Inside Looking Out

Hang on, boys and girls ... you're in for a rough ride!

So there I was today, talking with my therapist, when she stops talking, looks me in the eye and says, "I think you need to be hospitalized". Where the hell did that come from? I felt the blood quickly flow out of my body (to where I don't have a clue) and, even though I was sitting down, I felt like I could fall over. It wasn't that I was scared; I was shocked.

Sometimes when we go through life, we become so intimately acquainted with what we're doing that we aren't able to step back and see what is really going on. This was an example. I had shared with her my honest feeling that I didn't matter, had no self-esteem and I was just living life out to see what happened. Then I told her about my latest driving adventures.

On my last trip from school to home, about 160 miles, I had spent about 1/3 of that between 90-100 mph. A man driving that fast passed me, and I simply tucked in behind him, leaving a little room so that he would get a radar hit before me. I've driven a lot faster before, but I was sucked in, and it was a blast. Sure, every once in a while the car would elevate slightly, and I didn't have the control I wished I had, but it was fun.

A few days later while driving along one of our local highways, I passed a car doing about 65. Once I was along side him, he sped up, and wouldn't let me pass. This instantly pissed me off, and the more he sped up, the more I sped up. Soon we were doing 110, and one point I got so mad I came closer than he'd want to know to swerving into him. However, my exit came up and, as I slowed, and he slowed for a car in front, I looked him in the eye and laughed hysterically. Maniacally. Stupidly.

So, back to the therapist. She said that these incidents indicated to her that I was experiencing self-destructive behavior. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. I was scared. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I honestly think that if it was just me, I would have gone. But it would upset so many people in my life, and might just pull me "out of the closet". So, I made a deal with her.

I promised that if I had the feeling to act up like that again, or become physical due to anger, I would go to the nearest ER. And that's where I currently stand. No, not in the ER; in my situation.