Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Times, They Are 'a (Life) Changin'

The past few months have signaled a benchmark in my mental-health life. For the first time in my life I am experiencing a deep depression, not so deep that I am confined to bed, can't move or eat. I guess you could say that mine is a level above that; I am functioning, but usually in a zombie-like state, not caring for anything or trying at anything. The problem with me is this is lasting for months.

In November I ran out of Ritalin, and decided thaat I could cut my dosage in half, in order to save on money. YOU CAN'T DO THAT! Ritalin is one of those drugs, of which there are many, that you can't adjust the dosage down suddenly. It says so on the bottle. But it says so many things, who pays attention, right? Well, I did and, believe me when I tell you, you can't.

Now anyone who has an MI diagnosis will eventually take over control of their meds, knowing what will be best for them. After a few years I thought, "Why do I need these meds? I feel just fine." Duh ... The reason I felt fine is because of the meds, of course.

A few weeks after I reduced my dosage, I started to experience strange symptoms: light-heated, flu-like symptoms, malaise, and a general feeling of "mush brain". I felt like I was living in a heavy fog.

It was my wife who made the conection between what I had done and the way I was feeling, that is once I told  her what I had done.

I now know, and can admit, that I can't be trusted. I might not do what I am told, and I might not truthfully what I did or did not do. This isn't, at least I don't think, done on purpose, to be deceptive. I either get confused, forget, or think I did what I say I did. This is who I am.

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