Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Creativity - At Any Cost?

Do you know what is the worst part, at least for me, of being bipolar? Mood swings I can handle. Irrational thoughts and wandering attentiveness isn't so bad. In my case the constant counting and calculations that race non-stop through my mind. Don't get me wrong, these are difficult, but they don't even come close. Not even feeling lost and alone when you've got people who love and care for deeply. The handful of various medications are necessary, so you expect the many reactions, complications and side effects. No, even though all of these things are bad in their own right, the main reason why this disease aggravates me to no end is the way it squashes my creativity.

As it stands now, if my live were a car, my meds could, at any given time, place me somewhere between zero and 100 miles per hour. Where exactly on that scale varies, but it never sits idly in the middle. I usually run 60-70 on a good day; I am an ultra-rapid cycler (Ultradian), so I'm just left to grab the bus as it goes by. I become creative around 80-85, and when I near 100 or more, I can solve problems that you never even knew existed. Let me give an example.

One day I created a simple formula that explained everything, everything! It made perfect sense, and I remember showing it to others, but they couldn't understand my logic. It was so simple; it seemed nearly self-explanatory at the time. Yet I look at it today, and I am dumbfounded as to what it even means. I'd like to live "just south" of that point. When I am there I can write creatively and with feeling, I can see things more clearly and simply, and life just seems brighter and better to live.

But living there makes me susceptible to doing things "out of the ordinary". Where I want to be, and where my doctor says I should be, are two very different places. Getting back to that point, the point of reflective ponderings and rapid, creative thinking, and the place where expression, pure and simple, comes from the soul and ends us layed down on paper will cost. I have to decide if I think that cost is too high. I really don't know.
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