Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Friday, February 18, 2011

A Big Cut-Up - Part 2

For me the kind of cutting and the depth of the cut depended on ... actually, I don't know what it depended on. It was basically a crap shoot, with no thought given to the how or why. That's why they call it a psychosis.

My first time I carved up my arms a lot, comprised mostly of deep scratches. I used a razor knife, usually placing my thumb in a way that would control the depth. I enjoyed seeing the blood run down my arms, and was left with a very satisfied feeling, like a relief, euphoria.

I first used excuses to explain away these wounds. However, after a while, I realized this tactic would no longer work. So I switched to cutting on my thighs, which could be concealed by my pants. This worked well during the winter months, but not so good in the warmer weather. I thought I was fooling everyone, but found out later this wasn't the case. People knew, but just didn't know how to say anything, or even what to say. The stigma surrounding MI manifests itself in this type of behavior; it is so obvious that when someone you know begins acting in a very odd manner, you need to step in regardless of how uncomfortable you might feel.

Would I change what I did? Probably not. Did I enjoy what I did? Yes. Would I do it again? In the state of mind now, no. But if I am ever in that same state of mind, I would probably welcome it.

Actually, I miss the feeling, but it just isn't something I need to do now.

Remember, MI doesn't only happen in the young, and the visible results of MI are not reserved for the immature. These kind of things have nothing to do with age, or maturity or gender; they result from mental illness, which can happen to anyone at anytime and anyplace.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

No comments:

Post a Comment