Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Deep Down the Rabbit Hole

Deeper and deeper I go, and darker and darker it gets.

The past 6 weeks have been my own personal hell. After two ECT sessions, the second of which knocked the stuffin' out of me, I developed a case of the shingles. Over the past few years, I have complained to Connie that "my skin hurt". It was really weird; not an itch, or a burn, it just hurt. It seems that at that time the shingles were there, just not fully in force. Well, after the ECT's, it really started hurting, and then my back broke out in a big sore. Then the pain went from my back to my front, following the path of the nerves.

It took two rounds of antibiotics to knock this out and, due to a suppressed immune system, opened up the door to let "something" settle in my throat. I had a cough that I could not stop. This persisted through three different rounds of antibiotics and, to this date, still persists. Last week, I coughed so hard that I pulled some cartilage loose from my ribs. (Note: All of this activity took place where my rib cage creates a hump on my back due to my scoliosis.)

That hurt like hell! I hurt so bad, especially when I coughed, that I went to the ER and had it checked it out. I was given some pain pills, and sent packing. The next day I had a CAT scan, as per my docs instructions. The injected dye, and took pictures of my throat area, looking for something that would cause me to cough.

Now the clincher: There is a small group of people at church that are actively trying to get rid of me. I don't have much self esteem, and this sure isn't helping. They just won't let up, and I am getting sick and tired of it. But I don't know how to handle. The majority of church members are in favor of me, but the hurt of the deception is still there.

1 comment:

  1. Hello, I am a nineteen year old from Singapore with the same disorder. I was diagnosed with bipolar I at the beginning of the year that was so severe I had to be hospitalised for over three weeks. I used to "have it all together", even when I was battling the depressive phase of the illness, but during the manic phase it was just awful and I alienated and lost many friends. That really hurt too. Some people who used to be my close friends became distanced. I used to be slim and lithe, as I was (still am) active as an amateur ballet dancer. Now I am overweight and I find it much harder to coordinate movement because of the meds. This kills me because I used to love dancing so much. But just accepting it and lowering my expectations from myself and my life helped. Over the months I have seen gradual improvements, and although it's a constant battle, I am getting better.

    Coincidentally, I'm having shingles too! Just want you to know that you are not alone in your situation :) Bipolar people have a unique perspective on things, so who knows what creations and innovations that may bring? I'm sure your experiences help give your preaching greater depth and insight.