Showing posts with label church.bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church.bipolar. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I'm Ba...aa...ck
And time marches on, and on, and on. It is hard to keep up with blogging; no wonder there are so few hits. I swear to you that I will try harder, but lack of focus, attention do detail, and concentration are key elements to being a Bipolar sufferer. That is something that really pisses me off' people being afraid to be labeled as their disease. Come on, is it really necessary to pick a fight no matter where you go? I don't think so. So much effort to erase the stigma of mental illness is undertaken that the true purpose is lost. I know, just as you do, that we are not the illness. Get over it, and fight the fight.
I have had to get new docs and P'Docs, and that has been a delight. I have been able to hook up with some pretty great people. My meds have already been adjusted, and I might be going back in for a few sessions of ETC. My experience with previous sessions have been very positive, and I would welcome a few more jolts, if warranted.
More, and I do mean (hopefully) more ..............................................................................................
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The following post may not be for all audiences. It may contain rough and objectional language; since I haven't written it yet, I'm not sure. But in all likelyhood this will be the case. So, lock the doors and bar the windows, put the kids to sleep, pour yourself a nice glass of single-malt scotch, and enjoy. For after over 6 years of posting on this blog, I feel it's time to "let my hair down" (pretty hard for a bald guy) and tell it like it is.
Are You Sure?
It's Not too Late!
Now You're Committed!!!!
(Or Should Be)
When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, I actually thought it was pretty cool. I pictured myself among the ranks of people like Hemingway, Van Gogh and Sylvia Plathe. I finally had an explanation for my periodic odd behavior, or maybe even an excuse. I had always been a little quirky, and now I find out I wasn't quirky at all, just placed in a category in which I didn't belong.
Now, after being diagnoses over 18 years ago, I can honestly say that I wouldn't live with it. I like being labeled mentally ill because I AM! It is who I am, and it defines me. Sure, it places some limitations on me, and it's difficult to assertain when or where or how those limitations will be. They won't always happen at the same time, in the same place and in the same way. But this threat is real, and always hanging over my head, not unlike the sword of Damocles http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damocles
In the movie City Slickers Curly, the ranch boss and greenhorn Mitch Robbins(played by Billy Crystal) are riding out to round up some stray cattle. Curly says to Mitch that "the rest of the stuff in life don't mean nothin'" if you know the one thing that is the meaning of life. When asked what that is, Curly simply says that it varies from person to person. Truth or cop out?
Truth. Of course it varies depending on whose life we're talkiing about. It bothers me today that people are always trying to fit into each others molds; to take on their lives. A classic example is the exercise commercials on today. "You too can have a six-pack ab ... for only a 3 minute a day comittment, and $99.95". Sure, there are a few out there who might find this a life-changing experience. But the vast majority of people will be like me (and quite possibly you). I traded in my six-pack abs years ago for what I think is a much better investment; a keg! This is me, and it ain't going to change. So be it. Oh well.
I have gone through at least the past 22 years knowing that I am supposed to do something. You might know the feeling; that thing you were meant to do that, once finished, will have this almost orgasmic quality. As I get older, I tend to think that God had me live the life that I have lived in order to share it with someone who could benefit from my "walk". That is the direction in which I have been heading for the past few years, and the direction that I'll continue to go, until something happens.
"Alice Into the Looking Glass"(with apologies to Dickens)
"As Alice walked toward the looking glass, she could see inside, and it fascinated her. It looked different and interesting and fun, so she approached, getting closer and closer. Soon enough her nose was pressed against the glass and, shocking to her, it went into the glass like it was a thick gelatin.
Interesting. She could pull out at any time, and be back into the world that she knew. So she ventured in, and out, and in, and out, little by little by little, until this gelatin-like substance closed behind her back, and she was completely in.
And what a fascinating world it was, indeed, full of oddities and questionables and deviations she had never see before, nor dreamed about in her wildest of dreams. There were numbers where letters should have been, bicycles riding children. There were lamps on the outside of houses, along with the furniture that went with them. People walked around, some with fins for arms, some with fruit for ears and some with heads on backwards and backs facing forward.
It wasn't scary in the least, but interesting. It felt as if life was a tad off, maybe by a half a second, with real time, and things just didn't match, or couldn't be comprehended. Alice had a bit of a queasy feeling, like how you feel right after you get off of a ferris wheel. She slowly felt like she ws becoming a part of this society; like she might indeed fit in. Actually this is where she belonged, and she planned on visiting again, time permitting.
She turned to leave, putting her back toward this new society, with all intentions of returning at a later date. She walked back toward this gelatin-like substance, right up to where her nose was touching it. As she progressed, something very odd happened. Her nose kind of squished up at the end, like it was up against a hard surface. So she pushed harder, and pretty soon her nose hurt, unable to squish up any more. She couldn't understand. What was going on. She had walked in so easily, and it was so inviting. This was where she belonged, and where she felt most comfortable. But she wanted to go home.
Alice was home. Soon she discovered that even though her entrance into this world of madness was slow and gradual, once in, once comitted, it was where whe would remain. She could still see the world from which she came. but over time that vision too would fade, and the topsy-turvy work on the other side of the looking glass would become the only world she would know; a world she would soon call home.
Remember, when madness becomes reality, then reality is no longer madness - it is simply reality.
OH YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE THING - IT JUST NEVER CAME UP - FORTUNATELY!
Are You Sure?
It's Not too Late!
Now You're Committed!!!!
(Or Should Be)
When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, I actually thought it was pretty cool. I pictured myself among the ranks of people like Hemingway, Van Gogh and Sylvia Plathe. I finally had an explanation for my periodic odd behavior, or maybe even an excuse. I had always been a little quirky, and now I find out I wasn't quirky at all, just placed in a category in which I didn't belong.
Now, after being diagnoses over 18 years ago, I can honestly say that I wouldn't live with it. I like being labeled mentally ill because I AM! It is who I am, and it defines me. Sure, it places some limitations on me, and it's difficult to assertain when or where or how those limitations will be. They won't always happen at the same time, in the same place and in the same way. But this threat is real, and always hanging over my head, not unlike the sword of Damocles http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damocles
In the movie City Slickers Curly, the ranch boss and greenhorn Mitch Robbins(played by Billy Crystal) are riding out to round up some stray cattle. Curly says to Mitch that "the rest of the stuff in life don't mean nothin'" if you know the one thing that is the meaning of life. When asked what that is, Curly simply says that it varies from person to person. Truth or cop out?
Truth. Of course it varies depending on whose life we're talkiing about. It bothers me today that people are always trying to fit into each others molds; to take on their lives. A classic example is the exercise commercials on today. "You too can have a six-pack ab ... for only a 3 minute a day comittment, and $99.95". Sure, there are a few out there who might find this a life-changing experience. But the vast majority of people will be like me (and quite possibly you). I traded in my six-pack abs years ago for what I think is a much better investment; a keg! This is me, and it ain't going to change. So be it. Oh well.
I have gone through at least the past 22 years knowing that I am supposed to do something. You might know the feeling; that thing you were meant to do that, once finished, will have this almost orgasmic quality. As I get older, I tend to think that God had me live the life that I have lived in order to share it with someone who could benefit from my "walk". That is the direction in which I have been heading for the past few years, and the direction that I'll continue to go, until something happens.
"Alice Into the Looking Glass"(with apologies to Dickens)
"As Alice walked toward the looking glass, she could see inside, and it fascinated her. It looked different and interesting and fun, so she approached, getting closer and closer. Soon enough her nose was pressed against the glass and, shocking to her, it went into the glass like it was a thick gelatin.
Interesting. She could pull out at any time, and be back into the world that she knew. So she ventured in, and out, and in, and out, little by little by little, until this gelatin-like substance closed behind her back, and she was completely in.
And what a fascinating world it was, indeed, full of oddities and questionables and deviations she had never see before, nor dreamed about in her wildest of dreams. There were numbers where letters should have been, bicycles riding children. There were lamps on the outside of houses, along with the furniture that went with them. People walked around, some with fins for arms, some with fruit for ears and some with heads on backwards and backs facing forward.
It wasn't scary in the least, but interesting. It felt as if life was a tad off, maybe by a half a second, with real time, and things just didn't match, or couldn't be comprehended. Alice had a bit of a queasy feeling, like how you feel right after you get off of a ferris wheel. She slowly felt like she ws becoming a part of this society; like she might indeed fit in. Actually this is where she belonged, and she planned on visiting again, time permitting.
She turned to leave, putting her back toward this new society, with all intentions of returning at a later date. She walked back toward this gelatin-like substance, right up to where her nose was touching it. As she progressed, something very odd happened. Her nose kind of squished up at the end, like it was up against a hard surface. So she pushed harder, and pretty soon her nose hurt, unable to squish up any more. She couldn't understand. What was going on. She had walked in so easily, and it was so inviting. This was where she belonged, and where she felt most comfortable. But she wanted to go home.
Alice was home. Soon she discovered that even though her entrance into this world of madness was slow and gradual, once in, once comitted, it was where whe would remain. She could still see the world from which she came. but over time that vision too would fade, and the topsy-turvy work on the other side of the looking glass would become the only world she would know; a world she would soon call home.
Remember, when madness becomes reality, then reality is no longer madness - it is simply reality.
OH YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE THING - IT JUST NEVER CAME UP - FORTUNATELY!
Monday, October 4, 2010
SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT CUTTING?
 |
| Not As Bad As It Looks ... It's Worse |
This information was sent to me this afternoon concerning a seminar about teens and self-mutilation. This is an issue that not only affects teens and adolescents, but old farts like me. I went about 2 years self-mutilating, and I must admit, it was intoxicating.
I refer to Bipolar Disorder as the "faceless" disease. Since most of the pain is internalized, there is no obvious, discernable sign or symptom; it doesn't have a face, a tell-tale look or symptom that makes it identifiable. By cutting , I have put a face on mental illness; the cuts and scars are a constant reminder that I have an illness, one that is no longer hidden. (I realize it doesn't make sense to you; it doesn't to me now. But at the time, it makes perfect sense, and is something that must be done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello All,
NEWS RELEASE (For Immediate Release)
October 4, 2010
Contact: Pastor Don Wismer
2417 Getz Road
Ft Wayne, IN 46804
260-432-1524
Don@AldersgateCommunity.com
Scars of Self-Injury Revealed at Lifetree Café
Self-injury is known by several names, including self-abuse, self-mutilation, cutting, burning, and deliberate self-harm. The causes of this behavior, stories from two self-injurers, and ways to help will be discussed at Lifetree Café on Sunday, October 10th at 5:30 - 6:30PM.
While approximately 90 percent of self-injury behavior begins in the teenage years, this pattern often continues into adulthood as a private way of dealing with hurt and pain. While some may perceive self-injurers as pre-suicidal, research points to this behavior as a means of survival—from sexual abuse, an alcoholic parent, or other stressful situations.
Filmed interviews of two self-injurers will be shown at the event, and discussion about how to reach out in love to those caught in this behavior will follow. In addition, helpful information will be provided about the various forms of self-injury.
Admission to the 60-minute event is free. Snacks and beverages are available. Lifetree Café is promoted by The Aldersgate Community and is held at The Mocha Lounge, 6312 Covington Road.
(Lifetree Café is a place where people gather for conversation about life and faith in a casual coffeehouse-type setting. Questions about Lifetree may be directed to Don Wismer at 260-432-1524 or Don@AldersgateCommunity.com)
Monday, February 16, 2009
I'm not sure what 's been happening; I think my surgery was a little tougher that I imagined. I've already explained how it went, and the problems I had with the meds. My air cast is finally off, but I have a hard time getting my shoe on. The foot is still swollen, and my toes doesn't bend, which makes putting it on quite a bit harder. Hopefully time will make it easier. I have a lot of trouble with my feet, and I only wear Danskos and Birkensocks. Their high arch support and stiff sole mkes them great for me.
But if you are reading this, it's not for the surgery story, and that isn't the reason behind this blog. I'll get back to my own personal hell; MI. Picture yourself climbing down a fire escape ladder; you know, the kind that doesn't go all the way to the ground. Getting the diagnosis of MI is like starting down the ladder. As long as you are holding on, you're still in control. You can occasionally even climb up a little at a time. However, once you feet leave the last rung, you are in trouble. You find yourself in a situation that is very difficult to get out of. Soon you are hanging off the last rung, and then you're only one step away; one step away from falling. At at that point there is n o return. At that point you have lost all control; you're life is out of your hands. That is where I am now.
Most days lately I feeel lost, like I'm trapped inside my head. (If you are MI, you;ll understand) I'm not very productive, and I'm frightened. With the economy the way it is, everyone's job is in jeopardy. I left my main careeer, manufacturing management, nearly 8 years ago, and that amount of time, plus my age, away makes me pretty much unhireable (sp)?
So tha's my story to date ...
But if you are reading this, it's not for the surgery story, and that isn't the reason behind this blog. I'll get back to my own personal hell; MI. Picture yourself climbing down a fire escape ladder; you know, the kind that doesn't go all the way to the ground. Getting the diagnosis of MI is like starting down the ladder. As long as you are holding on, you're still in control. You can occasionally even climb up a little at a time. However, once you feet leave the last rung, you are in trouble. You find yourself in a situation that is very difficult to get out of. Soon you are hanging off the last rung, and then you're only one step away; one step away from falling. At at that point there is n o return. At that point you have lost all control; you're life is out of your hands. That is where I am now.
Most days lately I feeel lost, like I'm trapped inside my head. (If you are MI, you;ll understand) I'm not very productive, and I'm frightened. With the economy the way it is, everyone's job is in jeopardy. I left my main careeer, manufacturing management, nearly 8 years ago, and that amount of time, plus my age, away makes me pretty much unhireable (sp)?
So tha's my story to date ...
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Weird Day
Today was unlike any other day I can recall. While driving to a picnic, I suddenly felt as if I was falling down a deep, dark hole. It felt like I shut down. I actually ran my car into my father-in-law, who was behind me as I backed up. I didn't even know it, even though people were yelling and screaming at me. It scared me senseless, and made me feel real, real bad. He was ok.
I slipped into a place where I am afraid that I might live eventually. After all, the more I visit the place, the more comfortable I feel. Who knows .....
I slipped into a place where I am afraid that I might live eventually. After all, the more I visit the place, the more comfortable I feel. Who knows .....
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Deep Down the Rabbit Hole
Deeper and deeper I go, and darker and darker it gets.
The past 6 weeks have been my own personal hell. After two ECT sessions, the second of which knocked the stuffin' out of me, I developed a case of the shingles. Over the past few years, I have complained to Connie that "my skin hurt". It was really weird; not an itch, or a burn, it just hurt. It seems that at that time the shingles were there, just not fully in force. Well, after the ECT's, it really started hurting, and then my back broke out in a big sore. Then the pain went from my back to my front, following the path of the nerves.
It took two rounds of antibiotics to knock this out and, due to a suppressed immune system, opened up the door to let "something" settle in my throat. I had a cough that I could not stop. This persisted through three different rounds of antibiotics and, to this date, still persists. Last week, I coughed so hard that I pulled some cartilage loose from my ribs. (Note: All of this activity took place where my rib cage creates a hump on my back due to my scoliosis.)
That hurt like hell! I hurt so bad, especially when I coughed, that I went to the ER and had it checked it out. I was given some pain pills, and sent packing. The next day I had a CAT scan, as per my docs instructions. The injected dye, and took pictures of my throat area, looking for something that would cause me to cough.
Now the clincher: There is a small group of people at church that are actively trying to get rid of me. I don't have much self esteem, and this sure isn't helping. They just won't let up, and I am getting sick and tired of it. But I don't know how to handle. The majority of church members are in favor of me, but the hurt of the deception is still there.
The past 6 weeks have been my own personal hell. After two ECT sessions, the second of which knocked the stuffin' out of me, I developed a case of the shingles. Over the past few years, I have complained to Connie that "my skin hurt". It was really weird; not an itch, or a burn, it just hurt. It seems that at that time the shingles were there, just not fully in force. Well, after the ECT's, it really started hurting, and then my back broke out in a big sore. Then the pain went from my back to my front, following the path of the nerves.
It took two rounds of antibiotics to knock this out and, due to a suppressed immune system, opened up the door to let "something" settle in my throat. I had a cough that I could not stop. This persisted through three different rounds of antibiotics and, to this date, still persists. Last week, I coughed so hard that I pulled some cartilage loose from my ribs. (Note: All of this activity took place where my rib cage creates a hump on my back due to my scoliosis.)
That hurt like hell! I hurt so bad, especially when I coughed, that I went to the ER and had it checked it out. I was given some pain pills, and sent packing. The next day I had a CAT scan, as per my docs instructions. The injected dye, and took pictures of my throat area, looking for something that would cause me to cough.
Now the clincher: There is a small group of people at church that are actively trying to get rid of me. I don't have much self esteem, and this sure isn't helping. They just won't let up, and I am getting sick and tired of it. But I don't know how to handle. The majority of church members are in favor of me, but the hurt of the deception is still there.
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