Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I Need to Get Out of My Skin!

Have you ever had one of those days where you just can't relax? On my normal day, I will go back into the house an average of 3 times prior to work; to pick up something I forgot, or to check the faucets to make absolutely certain that I turned them off (but not too tightly as to make the pipe break).

Lately I can not relax. I am constantly moving, constantly twitching, constantly talking, etc. And my skin feels like it is literally crawling with little creepy-crawlers. Now I am not hallucinating, and thinking they are REALLY there; it just feels like it.

Every once in a while I have a spasm where my arms are drawn up against my body , and develop a mind of their own. It is an instantaneous occurrence, and then it is over. It has never happened before.

Lately I feel as if the meds I take are acting like a stopper on the bottle where I keep my mania and depression. It happens, but is contained inside the bottle and I can feel it build, but there isn't enough room for it to express itself. It is a very unsatisfying feeling. Sometimes I really miss the creative expression that comes with mania.

I am beginning to remember why I have quit taking my meds twice. However, the pain associated with unmedicated bipolar is still strong in my mind, so I hope and pray that those days are long gone.

Trapped, trapped, trapped.

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