Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Oh My Gosh .....

My church board, for the first time in eight years, has asked not to have me back next year. This basically means that I am a "free agent". The Bishop can decide to keep me here, move me to another church, or let me go. Letting me go isn't usually an option, so I'll either stay or go.

One problem I was told I have, and one that I DO have, is a temper. I do suffer from psychotic anger, and I have been able to hold back pretty much, but I still get mad. Oh me, oh my, the whole world is after me. Maybe that is not the case.

Maybe I am stubborn, and mean, and temperamental, and egotistical. I don't think it is really possible, but maybe I AM wrong all of the time. Maybe I am incompetent, and am covering by tap dancing around the issues. After all, that has been my history. I have discovered that I can do just about any job for 2-3 years. The first 1 to 1 1/2 years are the grace period of almost any job. Then I have had to move pretty quickly, and either get transferred to another position or department. This has been my history, and I have used this template, at first unconsciously, and now on purpose.

Right now I have about ZERO self esteem, and self destruction seems, for one of the first times, a viable option. God help me!

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