Mental Illness ... A "Never-Win" Situation

I have finally decided to face the fact that I will never get better. I've come face-to-face with this issue; I've stared it square in the face and ... I give. Now before you get on your great, big high horse, let me explain.

I'm not ready to swallow the barrel, or swing from the yardarm, or drink down the cyanide cocktail. Sure, I've thought about it, and I can't say I never will ... who knows what the future brings. What I am saying is that I finally acknowledge that mental illness can't be cured. With the proper medication it can be abated, temporarily held at bay, or maybe reduced to a manageable level. But it ... is ... always ... there!

I will have, actually I now have, acceptable and not-so-acceptable days. I've stopped calling them "good" and "bad" days, for the simple fact that I don't have good days any more. It was hard to get excited about "good" days, because, due the very nature of Bipolar Disorder, a bad day was sure t follow.

Any more, I don't feel good, I don't feel bad ... I just have a hard time feeling ... period. Sorry but that is just the way it is ...

One Way or Another

It's happened ... I am at the lowest I've been since being diagnosed in 1994. I am at rock bottom, and my will, desire, drive, dedication, hygiene, cleanliness, caring ... all gone. I desperately need help.

Saw my pDoc today, and he said he would put me on Seroquel ... a med I took nearly 12 years ago, and then was taken off. Another pill ... you have got to be kidding me. I am currently on 9 psychotropics, and to answer a desperate plea by adding another doesn't seem right to me. I went into his office expecting hospitalization, or at the very least, IOP (Intense Out Patient), but he never brought it up ... until I did.

Near the end of the 10 minute meeting, I said I thought simply adding another med wasn't the answer. He had added one two weeks earlier, and it made no difference. I told him I needed help, and I needed it now. His secretary had informed me two days earlier that they were looking for me to go into the IOP, but he never brought it up. As a matter of fact, I don't even think he would have thought of it until I mentioned that I thought that was what this meeting was for.

This secretary called a local program, they called, and I am supposed to call tomorrow morning to pursue this possibility.

I need help before I hurt myself, something or someone else. If I can't get the help I need this way, I'll force their hand. One way or another, I'll get it.

Average "Run Of the Mill" Normal

Guess what I just figured out. We are all normal. Now feel free to just accept that at face value, and you can stop reading this blog ... no explanation necessary. Or you can allow me to elaborate.

Now we are all who we are. Right? I don't think that point is up for debate. Of course, comparatively, we are all different, some more so than others. But we are at a place called normal within our individual lives. With me so far?

Suddenly, something happens in your life that causes your psyche to alter just a little. Let's use depression as an example. One day you find yourself in the throes of a big-time depression, one that leaves you "different" in its wake. At this point in time, your mind has made a change, and you are no longer the same person that you were.

But you're not just visiting this point in your life, it's a place that a new you dwells. This new you if no longer you being different, but you as you. Once again, you are normal.

The pendulum has swung back the other way, the universe once again reaches equilibrium, everything is settled, and you are you.

Ain't life sweet.

So the next time soneone tells you that you're not normal, tell them that you are just as normal as they are, your just different. That's the way God made us, so that's the way he wants us to be,

Again, ain't life sweet.

So, What's With Suicide?

I've thought about this for a long time, both in passing and in depth. I've read about those who take their own life, and I knew a few. I've even thought about it myself, to the point of having a detailed plan. which I shared with my therapist. (Supposedly, having a plan in place indicated how seriously your are considering the act.) 

When I was a pastor, many people, on different occasions, asked why people took their own lives. First, I would tell them that it has absolutely nothing to do with demon possession. A mental illness is no more caused by demon possession than is lung cancer, heart attack, diabetes or any disease of any other organ. Let me tell you why that is the case and, if you are MI, let me set your mind at ease.

It's really no great mystery why people commit suicide, when looked at logically. Not considering extra measures being taken, when your heart fails, you die; when your kidneys fail, you die; when your liver fails, you die. All of these have one thing in common with the brain; they are all an organ. The one main difference is that, while most organs, like the ones listed, control our physical body only, the brain controls both physical and mental capabilities.

When the brain becomes damaged, often the person's understanding of their surroundings becomes altered. And many times, during this altered state, the mind causes the person affected to do things they wouldn't normally do. What we see as irrational behavior, they see as rational; it makes perfect sense to them. I feel it's important to remember that a mentally ill person is not a sane person who is simply acting ill; their reality is their mentally-ill self.

All organs have the capacity to destroy the host by no longer performing their normal function. The brain can also cease to work the way it should, by failing to function properly, either directly causing death, or failing to function properly, causing a disturbance in the persons mental capacity.

Suicide is seen as a great mystery because of the stigma. We really don't understand the brain, so we mystify it; suicide is mysterious, but it is not unexplainable.

(Note: My wife had a massive stroke recently, and the doctor said he might have to operate. And then he said if he had to do surgery,and remove the damaged area, he didn't know what he was doing, and would destroy good tissue at the same time ... it's even a mystery to the trained experts)

Suicide - Is It a Sin?

Is suicide a sin? That is a question that needs to be answered objectively. At first it seems easily answered, but when seriously considered is bound to cause some question in your mind. In gaining a proper understanding of the taking of one’s own life, the only question you need to answer is “Why?”

People find it convenient to call suicide a sin. The bible considers all life precious and, to end it in our own time, by our own hand, would be circumventing God’s plan. People say that taking our own life just isn’t right. Life is a gift from God, and it is our duty to preserve that gift until God decides it’s time. And face it, suicide shows spiritual and emotional weakness, and God should be the only one who decides where, when and how our life ends. Most people will admit that they don’t know why they consider it wrong; they ust isn’t right. These reasons all play into our understanding of suicide. These are all correct, and reasons why we should preserve our life. Our time on earth is God’s time, and the longer we are alive, the more opportunities we have to spread the gospel. When we cut life short, we get into God’s way.

We need to look at this in the proper perspective. When a person has a terminal disease involving an organ, like lung cancer, kidney failure or liver disease, we don’t blame them for dying. We don’t find them responsible for the symptoms and side effects related to that disease. We know that the nausea, weight or hair loss and lack of control are associated with the illness and not the fault of the person. Sometimes organs fail, and that failure comes with various symptoms. These symptoms are not caused by, nor under the control of, the person; the disease is in control.

Yet when the disease has to do with the brain, people’s reactions are quite different. People have been indoctrinated to believe that a problem with the brain causes insanity, killing, irrational behavior, depression and/or manic behavior. When it’s discovered you’re having a problem involving your brain, some will be supportive, but at a distance. Although there are exceptions, they are very rare.

A result, or symptom, of a problem with the brain can result in unusual behavior. These symptoms, short of the use of prescribed medications, cannot be controlled by the person affected, not unlike symptoms of other illnesses. Often these symptoms change reality, resulting in seeing things differently than they really are. The brain’s main function is to control your body and your mind. When it’s “sick”, the result is often a change in reality, which can result in a person doing things that they normally wouldn’t do.

Unfortunately one result of this illness of the brain is suicide. It might appear to others that the taking of one’s life is a result of environmental conditions; life being too hard, failed relationships, financial problems, etc. Although these outside elements might be present, they are seldom the cause of the break from reality. Whether from disease of other relative circumstances, a resulting suicide is again a result of existing symptoms.

As we know, God is consistent in His actions. The only reason people see suicide as a sin is they don’t understand the cause. God would no more convict a person from taking their own life than He would do the same from a person having the symptoms of cancer.

Oh My Gosh .....

My church board, for the first time in eight years, has asked not to have me back next year. This basically means that I am a "free agent". The Bishop can decide to keep me here, move me to another church, or let me go. Letting me go isn't usually an option, so I'll either stay or go.

One problem I was told I have, and one that I DO have, is a temper. I do suffer from psychotic anger, and I have been able to hold back pretty much, but I still get mad. Oh me, oh my, the whole world is after me. Maybe that is not the case.

Maybe I am stubborn, and mean, and temperamental, and egotistical. I don't think it is really possible, but maybe I AM wrong all of the time. Maybe I am incompetent, and am covering by tap dancing around the issues. After all, that has been my history. I have discovered that I can do just about any job for 2-3 years. The first 1 to 1 1/2 years are the grace period of almost any job. Then I have had to move pretty quickly, and either get transferred to another position or department. This has been my history, and I have used this template, at first unconsciously, and now on purpose.

Right now I have about ZERO self esteem, and self destruction seems, for one of the first times, a viable option. God help me!