Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Finally Out ... Now What?

If you are mentally ill, this might have happened to you. If it hasn’t, give it time, and it will.

A Long Time Coming


A Long Time Being "Just Plain Nuts"
(Posted on: August 12, 2010)

After 18 years of illness (and still counting), nearly 20 different medication cocktails, 121 psychologist and over 175 therapst visits; after multiple ECT treatments, numerous cuts, stabs and various types of destructive behavior; after thousands of dollars wasted, many missed business opportunities and a lifetime of pretendiing and making excuses; after all this, it’s finally official. I have been officially designated disabled by the United Methodist Church.

People can now know who I really am. They might finally understand why I act a little “different” from time to time; they might realize why I did what I did when I did what I did. I no longer have to hide behind a fascade of excuses and lies. There's no stopping me now. I can sing at the top of my lungs, "I am mentally ill! I am mentally ill!" There is nothing that can hold me back now. I am part of a group that works tirelessly to erase the stigma of mental illness, so it's no longer an obstacle.

Mental illness becomes a non-issue,

I’m finally free ........ or am I?


Typically something happens so you know it’s there; a crippling depression, an event triggered by your mania or something telling you that things aren’t quite right.

You meet with a doctor and, after an evaluation, are told you have Bipolar Disorder, or what used to be called Manic Depression. You are mentally ill, joining the ranks of some very creative people, and some not so blessed.

If you are like me, you’ll learn all you can about your illness, in order to understand what it is, what it does and what you can do.This position can be fun, as you learn about something brand new, and are gaining first-hand knowledge. At this point, you are outside of the illness, looking in.

Over time, you become very familiar with Bipolar Disorder, both through study and personal experience. What might happen, as in my case, is the symptoms worsen,and the line between what is real and what you think is real becomes blurred. At this point, you have changed positions; you are no longer looking at mental illness, you are now deep within the illness, looking out at the place where you looked in..

Whether this happens once, or more frequently, don’t let the stigma of mental illness define who you are. Life is a series of experiences, and this is just another one. You know who you are. Embrace your bipolar-ity!

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