Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

On one of the blogs I frequent, the topic of conversation over the past few weeks, off and on, has been the existence of God. People seem to think that when bad things happen to good people, God should intervene and make everything alright. So, they think, that when bad things do happen to good people, God is either not there, or doesn't love His children enough to make things right.

What a "me, me, me" mentality! If God lets His people suffer, then He must not care for them. Then the decision is made that, "If God is mean and acts like that, He is mean, and I don't want anything to do with Him."

Just for a minute, let's consider what would happen if God decided not to let suffering happen to us. First, nobody would die. Life would go on, and on, and on ... until every single person, from Adam and his lovely wife Eve, would be roaming around the earth. Nice, huh? Think of all we learn about life through our trials and tribulations. Face it, take that away, and we take a lot of who we are away.

This reason for not believing in God makes no sense. We (mankind) made the decision at Creation to "go our own way". With that decision came a great responsibility and burden. God watches out for us, and shares out burdens, but they are ours to bear to conclusion.

I commented on one of these blogs that our lack of belief in God doesn't make Him cease to exist. He doesn't require our acceptance and belief in order to be real. One of my favorite quotes is explained below:

"Bidden or not bidden, God is present."

Carl Jung, the eminent psychologist, had this quote carved over the front door of his Zurich home, as well as on his tombstone. It is an English translation of the Latin "Vocatus Atque Non Vocatus Deus Aderit", a quotation he came across when studying Erasmus. The words are said to originate from the reply given by Delphic Oracle to the Spartans when they were planning a war against Athens: "Yes, the Gods will be present, but in what form and to what purpose?"(http://www.irishongrand.com/detail/179)


We live in this corrupt, dirty, violent world and, face it, it's not easy. We need to know the obstacles and dangers that get in our way, and how to avoid them. Living here, on this planet, in these times, takes special skills that we can only learn through trial and error or through the experiences of others. God gives us the tools we need to live; it is up to us to use them.

So give God the benefit of your doubt.  Realize that He knows what is best for us. Know that He is with you always, live your life as He leads, and where you are is where you are supposed to be.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Social Security - Round #1

For some reason, Social Security took only two months to deny my disability claim. Two weeks! I really don't get it.

Basically they say there are some things that I can do; things that don't require too much stooping, bending, crouching, crawling, kneeling or climbing. Although they admit that I can't return to the jobs I used to do, they claim I can do lighter and less demanding work.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Forms, Forms and More Forms

Well, the good news is that I was approved for disability through my employer, the United Methodist Church. From the beginning to the end, the process was quick and painless; really! Once I notified my DS, the church, both at the Conference and General level, took off running. All I had to do was fill out and sign the form they sent, and they pushed the process along. I have worked for a number of large corporations, and their unwritten policy was, "Once you're gone, you're gone ... and forgotten about".

However, the other processes are another story, and can be divided into two areas; social security disability and financial protection.

Getting approval for Social Security disability is a difficult, involved and time-consuming process. Once the initial paperwork is submitted, they schedule two or more doctor appointments for you. I'm not really sure of the purpose of these visits, although I imagine it is to make a preliminary determination as to if you actually have, to some degree, the health issues that you claim. I often leave asking myself, "What in the world did that accomplish"?

The entire process of applying, doctor appointments, responding to inquiries and waiting, waiting waiting can take, so I am told, anywhere from 5-8 months, or more. Nearly 3/4 are denied the first time, since they need to make certain that 1) the disability fits their criteria and 2) you really have that disability. If denied, you can appeal up to three times, the third time being before a judge. I imagine that this person actually seeing the candidate could be helpful.

On nearly all of the loans I've taken out I also bought "payment protection", a policy that protects the person owing the money by either making the payments for them (with no interest) for a specific time period, until the loan is paid off  or actually pay off the loan in full up front. Each one of these requires a significant amount of paperwork, application and approval process and medical paperwork verifying the illness and dates of the illness. I am about half way through the process (about five), with only one rejection - which should be approved after an additional letter from my pDoc.

All in all, I must say that the process isn't all that bad. To apply for disability, you do need to be disabled, if for no other reason than to have the time to fill out all of the forms. And you have to keep good records, because there is occasion when someone will lose a copy of this, or require another copy of that, and having those on hand can be a life saver.

Throughout this process God has blessed us, and given us much more than we deserve. With all of my heart I tell you that none of this would have been possible without Him; He has watched out for us, kept us from making foolish mistakes and provided for us when the need was there. We try to do our part by following Him in prayer and devotion, but it's His plan, and we are honored to be a part.

Let me share one little story before I close, to let you know the miracles God can perform in our lives, if we simply let Him have control. I call this my "literary miracle".

About 15 years ago, I was Environmental/Safety Director of a large silicone-manufacturing plant in Amish country in northeast Indiana. One Saturday afternoon, my wife and I went to a Salvation Army store, and one item I purchased was a small booklet, "My Heart, Christ's Home", printed in the 40's. I fell in love with it; it was a story of how your home has separate compartments, like rooms, and Jesus wants to clean each one.

The following Monday, I took the booklet to work, sharing it with everyone who would listen. Throughout the morning I showed it to everyone I knew, and a few people that I didn't. Later in the morning one person I told was especially interested and, feeling that I needed to, but saddened by the thought, I gave it to her. I was truly heartbroken; as far as I knew, that was the last copy, never to be reprinted.

At noon I drove to the local Christian bookstore, my heart burdened with the book I my never see again. When I walked in, the store owner, who is a friend, grabbed me by the arm and hustled me to the back of the store. She was so excited. She had received a shipment of books in that morning, and told me, "I received a book today that I know you would love. I thought of you when I first laid eyes on it, and I won't think of selling you a copy. I am going to give you one."

 She reached behind a workbench and handed me a NEW copy of, you guessed it, "My Heart, Christ's Home". She gave me a copy of the very same book I had reluctantly given up no more than 2 hours earlier. There is no other way to explain this without using the words "miracle" and "God" and "blessing". This was a true gift from God; plain and simple. Whenever my faith wavers, or I question, I simply reflect on this gift of God, and I'm right back on track.

It also turns out that the time when I gifted the booklet and the delivery to the bookstore were the same. Isn't God wonderful!!!!

Until the next time.

BiPolarPastor

Friday, August 20, 2010

Finally Out ... Now What?

If you are mentally ill, this might have happened to you. If it hasn’t, give it time, and it will.

A Long Time Coming

and

A Long Time Being "Just Plain Nuts"
(Posted on: August 12, 2010)

After 18 years of illness (and still counting), nearly 20 different medication cocktails, 121 psychologist and over 175 therapst visits; after multiple ECT treatments, numerous cuts, stabs and various types of destructive behavior; after thousands of dollars wasted, many missed business opportunities and a lifetime of pretendiing and making excuses; after all this, it’s finally official. I have been officially designated disabled by the United Methodist Church.

Friday, July 30, 2010

UMC General Board of Pension and Health Benefits

Have you ever worked for a company that, as long as you are producing and following their rules, you're treated with respect and kindness? The "upper management" makes over you, attentive to everything you say, feigning interest in what is important to you. I know it has happened to me in the past when I worked in some of the local factories. If you are anything like me, you'll swallow it hook, line and sinker. I'm naive and, even thought I know it's coming, I don't see it when it shows up.

So when I talked to my District Superintendent nearly two months ago, I expected the same treatment. After all, I would no longer be a "producer", so why would they care about me? I would now become a taker, rather than a giver. There are two things that pushed me into pursuing disability; my health gave me no choice, and I felt that God said the time was right for me to take this option.

I can tell you without reservation that, as of the moment I stepped into the DS's office, I have received respect, love and caring. He, the Indiana Conference HR Manager and the General Board of Pension and Health Benefits (GBOPHB) have pushed this process along with very little participation by myself. I am very impressed by the treatment they give their pastors in crisis.

And, I am very proud and happy to call myself a United Methodist.

Until we meet again,

Mike