Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Can't Do It

When I go to the doctor, I am trusting his expertise and experience to help me get better. When he tells me to do something, or don't do something, I should follow his orders. After all, by going there I am entrusting my health to him, so for me to second-guess his diagnosis belies this trust. If you can't trust your doctor, why have one in the firs place? (Note: I have now forgotten what I was going to "say" ... hopefully it will come to me soon. Please don't think, "This happens to me, too"; does it happen to you all the time ...  it does to me.) Here it is, that every-evasive thought. Simple trust just isn't enough; with mental illness, trust required responsibility and action on our part.

The doctor may prescribe medications, but it's my responsibility to acquire and take them as prescribed. If I follow the doctor's orders, and things don't work as planned, then together we can take another course. If they work out, then life get a little bit easier. However, there is a third way this can go. No matter how many years I take meds, or how many different kinds of meds I take, somewhere in the process, between prescription and ingestion, I invariably drop the ball.

Sometimes I don't remember to order the prescription. Sometimes I forget to send the 'script in to the pharmacy. And sometimes I forget to take the med. It is rare day when I remember all three, and that doesn't mean that I'll never forget again. This isn't a memory issue at all. I can't be told to just remember, no more than a blind person could be told to see, and expect results.

I don't want to constantly forget, knowing that causes so many problems. I don't forget because I don't care. Forgetting hurts me as much as it causes problems for others. It won't improve, no matter how many memory aids, notebooks and iPads I use. Memory improvement requires memory of another kind. Making a note means remembering to look at the note. Learning new skills requires the ability to remember those skills once learned. That ship has sailed. I'm sorry.

No comments:

Post a Comment