Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Controlling Things That I Can't Control

3437 I have an illness that can be controlled by doing something that requires a task that the illness prevents from happening. That task is remembering.

I struggle with this as a part of everyday life. When the memory can't be trusted, unfortunately the person can't be trusted. Most of the things I think I have said or done I haven't. I am unable to explain a series of events because I'll undoubtedly get them wrong. I would make a piss-poor eye witness. Even if I described what had happened correctly, I wouldn't know that it ws true.

After apologizing over and over, saying that I forgot ad infintum and getting things so confused so often, I tend to withdraw from conversations all together.

Lately it has become increasingly difficult to keep track of my meds. Right now, out of the 10 medications I take, I am out of five. There really is no good excuse. I was short on money the past two weeks, but I've been out of a few of the meds for longer than that. Every day I look at the slowly-diminishing bottles, thinking "I need to place that order". To do so is practically effortless; I go online, click on a box, and about 5 days later they show up in the mailbox.

Come on, Mike, straighten up and just do it. If it were only that easy. Can you relate to this? Needing a "skill" (remembering) that is provided for by medication, the taking of which requires that very "skill", is a precarious situation.

How can you win?

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