Summer Hiatus

All the steam left my engines, all the wind bypassed my sails, and my oomph just went this summer. I think it was due to a depression that settled in; not severe, just life-controlling.

I am also suffering a great deal with a significant memory problem, and it seems like it is taking up permanent residency. It is caused by the inability of my body to absorb and process vitamin B12, and even the monthly injections I self-administer don't seem to make much difference. My understanding is that the loss cannot be corrected, but the continuing loss can be slowed by the injections.

The ramifications of this short-term memory loss are far reaching, and having a huge impact on my day-to-day life. Forgetting birthdays, meetings and things like that is bad enough. However what really causes difficulty is thinking I can function as I always have, and discovering in the end that I have just screwed up everything.

For instance, last week I had an appointment with my therapist for Monday at 11:00. I went through the previous two weeks POSITIVE that the time was 1:00. I didn't discover my mistake until 10:00 the morning of the appointment, and only because my phone alarm went off at that time.

I have surgery on my knee scheduled for tomorrow, an appointment I had made a week prior. Before the date of the procedure I had to have an EKG done at the local hospital. It wasn't until the office called and asked why they hadn't received the results from the hospital that I was reminded this had to be done.

My finances are also suffering. We have the money coming in each month to pay our bills, but I either overpay, underpay or forget to pay all together. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, it gets away from me over and over and over.

It's like I am trying to live someone elses life. Think about this basic tenant of life, one that we take for granted, that suddenly is escaping me; trusting in my own reality. Everyone makes mistakes in their life, but certain things are constant. For instance, when you see the color red, you are absolutely positive that it is red. When you go to the end of your road and turn right, you are sure that you turned right. When someone left a message on your phone, you are able to relay it to the intended person.

What if you were no longer able to do this and trust yourself. If you are wrong enough times, you're bound to doubt yourself. Once you do this, you can't honestly believe that anything you "know" is actually right. The problem lies, at least in my case, in the fact that I am so certain that what I say is right  that I come across as confident.

At this point, having confidence in anything isn't possible, if I am honest with myself.

Option for Mental Illness: Take Your Meds

3449Please tell me this happens to you. Please tell me the details; the when, where, how and why. I can think of dozens of excuses as to why it happens, but due to my mental illness, they are more like reasons.

Controlling Things That I Can't Control

3437 I have an illness that can be controlled by doing something that requires a task that the illness prevents from happening. That task is remembering.

I struggle with this as a part of everyday life. When the memory can't be trusted, unfortunately the person can't be trusted. Most of the things I think I have said or done I haven't. I am unable to explain a series of events because I'll undoubtedly get them wrong. I would make a piss-poor eye witness. Even if I described what had happened correctly, I wouldn't know that it ws true.

First Time, I Guess, Is The Hardest

I checked out four book from the local library last October, and forgot all about them. I mean forgot. Out of mind. Every once in a while, I'd remember, but by the time I could have done something about it (ie; return them), it was forgotten; week, after week, after week, on and on and on. I began receiving calls, and then notices in the mail, telling me the books were overdue, and needed to be returned.

I found out from the library in February '11 that the total due was over $30, which is close to a record for them. Finally the stars lined up and everything was in place so that I was finally willing AND able, at the same time.

When Dealing With Me ...

There comes a time in our life when we realize who we are. This is after all of those years of trying to be who I'd like, while constantly being faced with who I am. When the two don't coincide, conflict happens. Even when they do coincide, they don't always work out for the good. If you've always wanted to be a drug dealer, and you have the characteristics, abilities and desire to do just that,, you'll probably be a pretty good one. Of course, that doesn't mean that is acceptable. Redirecting those talents into something more mainstream and productive would be the best bet.

Forgetting to Remember the Things I Forget

I've got a problem ...

I think it's significant, but I don't seem to take it seriously enough to do anything about it. It happens a lot, with a frequency that is nearly predictable by those around me, but not by me. It affects every aspect of my life, and it always will. I know what the problem is, I know what needs to be done to fix it and I know how to do just that. But I can't. I just can't.

Falling Into the Canyon

I received word from my pDoc last week that I need to add to my med cocktail Namenda, a drug given to Alzheimer patients to slow the progress of that dreaded disease. I am taking it to slow the progression of my ongoing short-term loss. I look around now and realize the possibility that the world I see today might not be recognizable by me in a few years. My world is beginning to crumble, and all I can do is sit back and watch.

Connie is on a very strict diet, due to her high blood pressure and blood sugar. She works very hard to watch what she eats, careful not to include in her diet those things that cause her problems. Last week I bought her 2-1 liter bottles of what I thought was "diet, caffeine-free Pepsi" actually was "caffeine-free Pepsi", loaded with sugar and sodium. I knew better; I thought I had gotten the diet. She was very upset, and I can't blame her. She had gone nearly 2 years following the dietary rules, and I had changed them in short order.

Messing us is not the issue, but messing up when it harms another person is.  The point is that it could have been a mistake that could really hurt another. At what point do I decide that enough is enough, and remove myself from situations where I could injure myself or someone else.

"I Don't Know, I Don't Remember", I Can't Recall"

Last Wednesday I had a psychological test that had been scheduled by Social Security. I have taken quite a few over the years and, when they told me it would take 2 hours, I assumed it was the ol' MMPI. I pictured sitting in front of a computer terminal, typing away through the 600+ questions. I couldn't have been more wrong.

For the entire 2 hours, my responses were, "I don't know", "I don't remember" or "I don't recall".Throughout the entire process, the psychologist sat across his desk from me, reading instructions on the back of every page that he flipped over in front of me. He would give instructions on each set of tests, I would have 10 seconds to memorize what the test required and then spit out what I memorized in whatever form was required.

The tests varied, each beginning with one or two items to memorize, and went as high as eight. We began with me repeating (within 10 seconds) a series of numbers. After we reached a series of eight, then I would repeat them backwards and, of course, the ever-popular "count backwards from 100 by 7's".

Then he would say a list of 20 pairs of words; some went together and some didn't. He would say one, and I would have to say the word that it was paired with. He referred to this list throughout the testing.

Then we moved on to memorizing different shapes in a grid of 4 X 5, placing the corresponding tiles into a four X five divided container. This was repeated multiple times, with many different shapes and designs.

The testing went quickly, and I didn't mind it all that much. It was glaringly obvious throughout the process that I do have a problem with short-term memory. A few months ago, my pDoc started me on Aricept, after I was diagnosed with early-onset Dementia. (And the hits just keep on coming)

Do you ever wonder if you're actually MI, or it's just something you imagine;maybe " it's all in your mind". There are two possible scenarios here; you ARE mentally ill, or you think you are mentally ill, the act of which DOES make you mentally ill. I bring this up because, after a day of testing, like that which took place on Wednesday, it is proven that I have the problems I think I have. Better yet, it verifies those things that people claim I do/say, but I say I do not, actually take place.I may mess up a lot of things, but one thing is certain; I know who I am!

Remembering What You've Forgotten

Well, today was an interesting day.I finally decided to fill out that disability form for the insurance company through work. I have been putting it off, but I am worried that, if I wait too long, they will make me part-time, and then I wouldn't be eligible.

When I went to get the form, I couldn't find it. I looked at home, at work and in the car. Now, this doesn't mean it isn't at one of these three places. It simply meaens that I can't find it. Often when i look for something, it disappears until the third or fourth search, at which time it magically appears. I swear this is the case. Do our minds sometimes take what we are looking for, and erase it's appearance from our brain?

So, tonight I will search my car and at home for the form. I know it's somewhere (of course), but where is the big mystery. Tomorrow I'll post what happens. Please pray for happy hunting!

Ciao for now ...

So, How's YOUR Memory??

I have spent my life dealing with people in many different settings; manufacturing, sales, church, etc. Now, I'll admit that I've never had a great memory, but it served me well for a number of years. However, 8-10 years ago, my wife told me that it was getting worse. Since I hadn't noticed any difference, combined with the fact that I thought I was always right (if you believe that, remember that I've been married nearly 20 years) I thought she was just making it up. After all, if you're convinced that your memory is bad, if you are told that you were told something earlier, you simply have no defense.