Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


The answer to this question is ... EVERYTHING. It's not that those who suffer progressive memory loss actually forget everything. But when they begin forgetting, or "misremembering" frequently, then even if you remember something correctly, you can't trust yourself, and the result is the same as if you forgot.

This might sound a little strange, but I always feel like there is something I'm supposed to do, but can never figure out what it is. I'm not talking about this happening once in a while, or once a week or even from time-to-time. I have this feeling continually, and it is becoming a little distracting.

I don't know for sure why this is taking place. I assume it has to do with either my meds or something that is going on in my brain. That is the thing about mental illness; since it effects the brain, it can cause changes in anything and everything.

Lately my brain has been flopping all over the place. Over the past few months I am seeing proof thaat I am actually in the process of losing my mind. Well, probably not losing it entirely (I think I'll still be able to get to the toilet , watch tv and breathe), but it sure isn't, and probably won't be, the same as it was.

And please don't tell me, "Everyone's brain changes as they age". I get so sick and tired of these kinds of comments. So I suppose cutting yourself, having hallucinations, hearing voices and needing to have ECT treatments are all a part of the normal aging process.

It really bothers me that all my brain activity floats around, banging around back and forth, doing things that cause me to do things that I don't want to do, am unaware that I am doing or make perfect sense to me at the time. The MI brain is just like a roulette wheel ball, spinning around and around, never knowing where it will land, but knowing that when it lands, things will happen, sometimes good and sometimes bad.

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