Riding the Wave ... And the Trough

I am mentally ill, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and a vitamin B12 deficiency (a key element in brain development). For over 12 years, I took anywhere from 5-8 psychotropic meds each day, and have been recently giving myself a monthly injection of B12.

In January 2012 I was hospitalized for depression, and management of my currrent med cocktail. Immediately all but two of my meds were discontinued and, after a few weeks of adjustment, and some near hospitalizations, things seem to be going much better.

I have been on permanent disability since January 2010, and am adjusting to life on a very limited income.

My prayer is that in walking with me during the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, you might find solace, and benefit through my experiences.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Summer Hiatus

All the steam left my engines, all the wind bypassed my sails, and my oomph just went this summer. I think it was due to a depression that settled in; not severe, just life-controlling.

I am also suffering a great deal with a significant memory problem, and it seems like it is taking up permanent residency. It is caused by the inability of my body to absorb and process vitamin B12, and even the monthly injections I self-administer don't seem to make much difference. My understanding is that the loss cannot be corrected, but the continuing loss can be slowed by the injections.

The ramifications of this short-term memory loss are far reaching, and having a huge impact on my day-to-day life. Forgetting birthdays, meetings and things like that is bad enough. However what really causes difficulty is thinking I can function as I always have, and discovering in the end that I have just screwed up everything.

For instance, last week I had an appointment with my therapist for Monday at 11:00. I went through the previous two weeks POSITIVE that the time was 1:00. I didn't discover my mistake until 10:00 the morning of the appointment, and only because my phone alarm went off at that time.

I have surgery on my knee scheduled for tomorrow, an appointment I had made a week prior. Before the date of the procedure I had to have an EKG done at the local hospital. It wasn't until the office called and asked why they hadn't received the results from the hospital that I was reminded this had to be done.

My finances are also suffering. We have the money coming in each month to pay our bills, but I either overpay, underpay or forget to pay all together. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, it gets away from me over and over and over.

It's like I am trying to live someone elses life. Think about this basic tenant of life, one that we take for granted, that suddenly is escaping me; trusting in my own reality. Everyone makes mistakes in their life, but certain things are constant. For instance, when you see the color red, you are absolutely positive that it is red. When you go to the end of your road and turn right, you are sure that you turned right. When someone left a message on your phone, you are able to relay it to the intended person.

What if you were no longer able to do this and trust yourself. If you are wrong enough times, you're bound to doubt yourself. Once you do this, you can't honestly believe that anything you "know" is actually right. The problem lies, at least in my case, in the fact that I am so certain that what I say is right  that I come across as confident.

At this point, having confidence in anything isn't possible, if I am honest with myself.

1 comment:

  1. It occurs to me that you still know the most important thing: the awesome love and sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ. Even if you forget, He will never forget or leave you (even if it feels like it sometimes). I will pray that you continue finding comfort and refuge in Him.