I'm Ba...aa...ck

And time marches on, and on, and on. It is hard to keep up with blogging; no wonder there are so few hits. I swear to you that I will try harder, but lack of focus, attention do detail, and concentration are key elements to being a Bipolar sufferer. That is something that really pisses me off' people being afraid to be labeled as their disease. Come on, is it really necessary to pick a fight no matter where you go? I don't think so. So much effort to erase the stigma of mental illness is undertaken that the true purpose is lost. I know, just as you do, that we are not the illness. Get over it, and fight the fight.

I have had to get new docs and P'Docs, and that has been a delight. I have been able to hook up with some pretty great people. My meds have already been adjusted, and I might be going back in for a few sessions of ETC. My experience with previous sessions have been very positive, and I would welcome a few more jolts, if warranted.

More, and I do mean (hopefully) more ..............................................................................................

Up, Up and Away

Remember, last week I had a minor meltdown at my therapist's office ... depressed, cutting, paranoia. You know, the normal tendencies of one suffering from bipolar disorder, OCD, ADHD and PTSD. She had me make an emergency appointment with my pDoc, which I did, and he squeezed me in that early afternoon.

I thought because of the urgency of the appointment, that I would be going back to the into the hospital. Not to be. He prescribed, as I stated in a previous post, Zyprexa and Prozac, the latter which I had taken years earlier. In addition, he had me stop taking the Mertazapine (Remeron). After just a few days, I actually started feeling a little better. Today, after months (maybe as many as 10) I woke up kind of energized, alert and, yes, awake.

Now don't stop reading just yet. After a few hours, this mellow "morphed" into a mild mania, accelerating slightly as the day progressed. And I was happy, that is until my pDoc heard about it from the Intern who had interviewed right before my appointment. He seemed concerned and, not wanting  the mania to go "full blown", had me stop taking the Prozac, and to continue with my other prescribed meds.

Damn, I was happy to be over the depresssion, and mania felt good for a change. However, he warned me, and I already knew, that every high is followed by a low. Intercepting the mania early on would give me a better chance of finding my "normal" before I hop back on that roller coaster ride called bipolar.

BP is just that; a roller coaster ride. The euphoric highs, the thrill of the view, and the anticipation of what's to come next is always, always followed by that sudden, uncontrollable drop. Sometimes, like BP, this is followed by a short, level ride, culminating in another up and down.

We all go through ups and downs. Weddings and funerals are good examples. The depression caused by day-to-day events are normal. When the situation goes away so goes the depression. BP, however, comes and goes unaware. There might be a trigger, but more than likely it just appears. It doesn't even knock; it just comes barging through the door. And you just hope and pray that it won't shove a gun into your mouth, or talk you into getting another mortgage on your house in order to fund another junket to somewhere you shouldn't go. BP truly is the "gift that keeps on giving".



 birth, followed by the years of worry; getting a job, only to lose it .These bringdepression depression

Down the Rabbit Hole ... Volume II

Last January I was hospitalized ... a little psychotic, enraged, anxious and depressed ... worse than I've ever been. The result of my "incarceration" was the complete removal of all nine psychotropic medications (except Lithium - my core stabilizer). After a few days one was added and I was sent home, under the care of a new psychiatrist who. Over the next ten months, my progress (and regression) was closely monitored through weekly, and eventually biweekly, visits.However, after being on the "high" end of the bipolar scale, I found myself slipping down, down, down into a deeper depression; into the rabbit's hole. The walls of this hole are slick, so the harder I try to claw my way out, the deeper I go. And the deeper I go, the narrower the hole becomes. I fear that the narrower it becomes, the less I'll try to retract myself, until I stop struggling altogether.This is my fear; that this fear might become a reality. Reality eventually evolves into acceptance, and over, over time resignation. At that time, the rabbit hole becomes home. At that time, I don't know what happens - and I don't want to know.

Indiana State NAMI Convention - WOW!

Today I attended the 2008 Indiana NAMI Conference in Indianapolis. This is my first state NAMI conference, but it most certainly won't be my last. Over the years I have spent what seems like endless hours at conferences, seminars and training events. Honestly, this is the first one that I didn't want to end. The plenary speakers were wonderful, one of which gave the best presentation I have ever heard. The breakout sessions were well attended, informative and very beneficial.

And the meal, oh, the meal. For $18 (part of which was my membership renewal) we were well "snacked", well "displayed", well educated and very, very well fed. Earlier this year I attended a banquet, and for $29.95 I wasn't nearly as well fed as I was today. A great big "Thank You" to the people who make this possible.

Let me encourage you to join and attend on a regular basis a local support group. NAMI is the most recognized, and I highly recommend them. This group made it very clear that they care. Give them a chance. You won't be disappointed. Ciao for now.