I have finally decided to face the fact that I will never get better. I've come face-to-face with this issue; I've stared it square in the face and ... I give. Now before you get on your great, big high horse, let me explain.
I'm not ready to swallow the barrel, or swing from the yardarm, or drink down the cyanide cocktail. Sure, I've thought about it, and I can't say I never will ... who knows what the future brings. What I am saying is that I finally acknowledge that mental illness can't be cured. With the proper medication it can be abated, temporarily held at bay, or maybe reduced to a manageable level. But it ... is ... always ... there!
I will have, actually I now have, acceptable and not-so-acceptable days. I've stopped calling them "good" and "bad" days, for the simple fact that I don't have good days any more. It was hard to get excited about "good" days, because, due the very nature of Bipolar Disorder, a bad day was sure t follow.
Any more, I don't feel good, I don't feel bad ... I just have a hard time feeling ... period. Sorry but that is just the way it is ...
Showing posts with label losing mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label losing mind. Show all posts
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Are We There Yet?
Are we there yet? These words uttered from the backseat on a relaxing vation can turn the calmest parent's nerves on edge. Little did I know I would be asking me those very same words, wishing for a completely different answer. Thise kids in the backseat wanted to arrive; I don't.
The journey through mental illness is very unique and personal. At any given time you don't really know where you are in your illness, and it's difficult to determine how you're doing, since that requires a comparison over time, and the duration and severity of your illness i always an unknown.
The very best you can do is detemine how you are in relation to how you have been before. Presently when I ask myself "are we there yet?" I hear a small voice in my head say, "Almost".
Years ago on this blog I described going mad (?) as slowly walking into a mirror, such as the one in "Alice Looking Through the Looking Glass". At first you just poke your nose, or toe in, with the ability to pull it right back again. Over time you find you are slipping in deeper and deeper, still with a small part of you back in reality.
At some point in time, you are all the way in. Turning around you can see the world in which you lived, but only relate in memories, which dimish over time. Slowly, over time, these memories start to fade, and your vision of what was becomes cloudy and indiscernable. You are in. You no longer have to ask if you are there yet ... you are.
The journey through mental illness is very unique and personal. At any given time you don't really know where you are in your illness, and it's difficult to determine how you're doing, since that requires a comparison over time, and the duration and severity of your illness i always an unknown.
The very best you can do is detemine how you are in relation to how you have been before. Presently when I ask myself "are we there yet?" I hear a small voice in my head say, "Almost".
Years ago on this blog I described going mad (?) as slowly walking into a mirror, such as the one in "Alice Looking Through the Looking Glass". At first you just poke your nose, or toe in, with the ability to pull it right back again. Over time you find you are slipping in deeper and deeper, still with a small part of you back in reality.
At some point in time, you are all the way in. Turning around you can see the world in which you lived, but only relate in memories, which dimish over time. Slowly, over time, these memories start to fade, and your vision of what was becomes cloudy and indiscernable. You are in. You no longer have to ask if you are there yet ... you are.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
A Walk Through the Swamp
Today I continue my walk through McKinney Swamp. I started this last trek a few months ago, but the going is getting more and more difficult. It seems that with every step lately I am mired down deeper and deeper.
In addition, a dense fog has set in. When I breathe in, the fog enters my nose and mouth; the air goes to my lungs, but the "fog" goes into my brain. Because of it my thoughts are muddles and slow, my perception is off, as is my judgement.
I am afraid that soon the swamp won't end.
In addition, a dense fog has set in. When I breathe in, the fog enters my nose and mouth; the air goes to my lungs, but the "fog" goes into my brain. Because of it my thoughts are muddles and slow, my perception is off, as is my judgement.
I am afraid that soon the swamp won't end.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
FALLING !!!!
I need to set the stage. I'll be using an example when discussing my "fall from sanity". In order to put in the proper perspective, I'll give a little background.
Since High School, I have been a rock climber. It is something I could do that 1) most people couldn't do and 2) most people had no desire to do. It was something that, at least in my little world, I was good at, maybe even better than most. Throughout my entire life I was a "wannabee"; you know, one of those who really wanted to be good at something, tried very hard but just couldn't get past the point somewhere between a participant and a spectator.
Since High School, I have been a rock climber. It is something I could do that 1) most people couldn't do and 2) most people had no desire to do. It was something that, at least in my little world, I was good at, maybe even better than most. Throughout my entire life I was a "wannabee"; you know, one of those who really wanted to be good at something, tried very hard but just couldn't get past the point somewhere between a participant and a spectator.
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