I have finally decided to face the fact that I will never get better. I've come face-to-face with this issue; I've stared it square in the face and ... I give. Now before you get on your great, big high horse, let me explain.
I'm not ready to swallow the barrel, or swing from the yardarm, or drink down the cyanide cocktail. Sure, I've thought about it, and I can't say I never will ... who knows what the future brings. What I am saying is that I finally acknowledge that mental illness can't be cured. With the proper medication it can be abated, temporarily held at bay, or maybe reduced to a manageable level. But it ... is ... always ... there!
I will have, actually I now have, acceptable and not-so-acceptable days. I've stopped calling them "good" and "bad" days, for the simple fact that I don't have good days any more. It was hard to get excited about "good" days, because, due the very nature of Bipolar Disorder, a bad day was sure t follow.
Any more, I don't feel good, I don't feel bad ... I just have a hard time feeling ... period. Sorry but that is just the way it is ...
Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
One Way or Another
It's happened ... I am at the lowest I've been since being diagnosed in 1994. I am at rock bottom, and my will, desire, drive, dedication, hygiene, cleanliness, caring ... all gone. I desperately need help.
Saw my pDoc today, and he said he would put me on Seroquel ... a med I took nearly 12 years ago, and then was taken off. Another pill ... you have got to be kidding me. I am currently on 9 psychotropics, and to answer a desperate plea by adding another doesn't seem right to me. I went into his office expecting hospitalization, or at the very least, IOP (Intense Out Patient), but he never brought it up ... until I did.
Near the end of the 10 minute meeting, I said I thought simply adding another med wasn't the answer. He had added one two weeks earlier, and it made no difference. I told him I needed help, and I needed it now. His secretary had informed me two days earlier that they were looking for me to go into the IOP, but he never brought it up. As a matter of fact, I don't even think he would have thought of it until I mentioned that I thought that was what this meeting was for.
This secretary called a local program, they called, and I am supposed to call tomorrow morning to pursue this possibility.
I need help before I hurt myself, something or someone else. If I can't get the help I need this way, I'll force their hand. One way or another, I'll get it.
Saw my pDoc today, and he said he would put me on Seroquel ... a med I took nearly 12 years ago, and then was taken off. Another pill ... you have got to be kidding me. I am currently on 9 psychotropics, and to answer a desperate plea by adding another doesn't seem right to me. I went into his office expecting hospitalization, or at the very least, IOP (Intense Out Patient), but he never brought it up ... until I did.
Near the end of the 10 minute meeting, I said I thought simply adding another med wasn't the answer. He had added one two weeks earlier, and it made no difference. I told him I needed help, and I needed it now. His secretary had informed me two days earlier that they were looking for me to go into the IOP, but he never brought it up. As a matter of fact, I don't even think he would have thought of it until I mentioned that I thought that was what this meeting was for.
This secretary called a local program, they called, and I am supposed to call tomorrow morning to pursue this possibility.
I need help before I hurt myself, something or someone else. If I can't get the help I need this way, I'll force their hand. One way or another, I'll get it.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Average "Run Of the Mill" Normal
Guess what I just figured out. We are all normal. Now feel free to just accept that at face value, and you can stop reading this blog ... no explanation necessary. Or you can allow me to elaborate.
Now we are all who we are. Right? I don't think that point is up for debate. Of course, comparatively, we are all different, some more so than others. But we are at a place called normal within our individual lives. With me so far?
Suddenly, something happens in your life that causes your psyche to alter just a little. Let's use depression as an example. One day you find yourself in the throes of a big-time depression, one that leaves you "different" in its wake. At this point in time, your mind has made a change, and you are no longer the same person that you were.
But you're not just visiting this point in your life, it's a place that a new you dwells. This new you if no longer you being different, but you as you. Once again, you are normal.
The pendulum has swung back the other way, the universe once again reaches equilibrium, everything is settled, and you are you.
Ain't life sweet.
So the next time soneone tells you that you're not normal, tell them that you are just as normal as they are, your just different. That's the way God made us, so that's the way he wants us to be,
Again, ain't life sweet.
Now we are all who we are. Right? I don't think that point is up for debate. Of course, comparatively, we are all different, some more so than others. But we are at a place called normal within our individual lives. With me so far?
Suddenly, something happens in your life that causes your psyche to alter just a little. Let's use depression as an example. One day you find yourself in the throes of a big-time depression, one that leaves you "different" in its wake. At this point in time, your mind has made a change, and you are no longer the same person that you were.
But you're not just visiting this point in your life, it's a place that a new you dwells. This new you if no longer you being different, but you as you. Once again, you are normal.
The pendulum has swung back the other way, the universe once again reaches equilibrium, everything is settled, and you are you.
Ain't life sweet.
So the next time soneone tells you that you're not normal, tell them that you are just as normal as they are, your just different. That's the way God made us, so that's the way he wants us to be,
Again, ain't life sweet.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Are We There Yet?
Are we there yet? These words uttered from the backseat on a relaxing vation can turn the calmest parent's nerves on edge. Little did I know I would be asking me those very same words, wishing for a completely different answer. Thise kids in the backseat wanted to arrive; I don't.
The journey through mental illness is very unique and personal. At any given time you don't really know where you are in your illness, and it's difficult to determine how you're doing, since that requires a comparison over time, and the duration and severity of your illness i always an unknown.
The very best you can do is detemine how you are in relation to how you have been before. Presently when I ask myself "are we there yet?" I hear a small voice in my head say, "Almost".
Years ago on this blog I described going mad (?) as slowly walking into a mirror, such as the one in "Alice Looking Through the Looking Glass". At first you just poke your nose, or toe in, with the ability to pull it right back again. Over time you find you are slipping in deeper and deeper, still with a small part of you back in reality.
At some point in time, you are all the way in. Turning around you can see the world in which you lived, but only relate in memories, which dimish over time. Slowly, over time, these memories start to fade, and your vision of what was becomes cloudy and indiscernable. You are in. You no longer have to ask if you are there yet ... you are.
The journey through mental illness is very unique and personal. At any given time you don't really know where you are in your illness, and it's difficult to determine how you're doing, since that requires a comparison over time, and the duration and severity of your illness i always an unknown.
The very best you can do is detemine how you are in relation to how you have been before. Presently when I ask myself "are we there yet?" I hear a small voice in my head say, "Almost".
Years ago on this blog I described going mad (?) as slowly walking into a mirror, such as the one in "Alice Looking Through the Looking Glass". At first you just poke your nose, or toe in, with the ability to pull it right back again. Over time you find you are slipping in deeper and deeper, still with a small part of you back in reality.
At some point in time, you are all the way in. Turning around you can see the world in which you lived, but only relate in memories, which dimish over time. Slowly, over time, these memories start to fade, and your vision of what was becomes cloudy and indiscernable. You are in. You no longer have to ask if you are there yet ... you are.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
FALLING !!!!
I need to set the stage. I'll be using an example when discussing my "fall from sanity". In order to put in the proper perspective, I'll give a little background.
Since High School, I have been a rock climber. It is something I could do that 1) most people couldn't do and 2) most people had no desire to do. It was something that, at least in my little world, I was good at, maybe even better than most. Throughout my entire life I was a "wannabee"; you know, one of those who really wanted to be good at something, tried very hard but just couldn't get past the point somewhere between a participant and a spectator.
Since High School, I have been a rock climber. It is something I could do that 1) most people couldn't do and 2) most people had no desire to do. It was something that, at least in my little world, I was good at, maybe even better than most. Throughout my entire life I was a "wannabee"; you know, one of those who really wanted to be good at something, tried very hard but just couldn't get past the point somewhere between a participant and a spectator.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Through the Looking Glass ... Again
A few years ago I wrote about "Alice Through the Looking Glass", and how it can be compared with the journey into mental illness. The face of the mirror is that point where "normalcy" meets madness. As we approach, we can only see this point from a distance, not really knowing how deeply into the mirror we'll end up.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
CELEBRATING YOUR BIPOLAR-ITY
Posted on: August 12, 2010
If you are mentally ill, this might have happened to you. If it hasn’t, give it time, and it will.
Typically something happens so you know it’s there; a crippling depression, an event triggered by your mania or something telling you that things aren’t quite right.
You meet with a doctor and, after an evaluation, are told you have Bipolar Disorder, or what used to be called Manic Depression. You are mentally ill, joining the ranks of some very creative people, and some not so blessed.
If you are like me, you’ll learn all you can about your illness, in order to understand what it is, what it does and what you can do.This position can be fun, as you learn about something brand new, and are gaining first-hand knowledge. At this point, you are outside of the illness, looking in.
Over time, you become very familiar with Bipolar Disorder, both through study and personal experience. What might happen, as in my case, is the symptoms worsen,and the line between what is real and what you think is real becomes blurred. At this point, you have changed positions; you are no longer looking at mental illness, you are now deep within the illness, looking out at the place where you looked in..
Whether this happens once, or more frequently, don’t let the stigma of mental illness define who you are. Life is a series of experiences, and this is just another one. You know who you are. Embrace your bipolar-ity!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Out On a Limb
"You ever had one of those days, when nothing is goin' your way?" One of the regulars on The Bob and Tom Show sings this song, talking about how every step of the way, from getting up to going to bed, is nothing but a series of trouble. It seems that a day becomes increasingly worse dependent on the relationship of two seemingly unconnected functions; severity and frequency.
In the first scenario, no matter how serious the problem, if this is the only situation I will encounter during a given day, I can probably cope with it pretty well. It will hit me one time, all at once, and my natural forces are able to put me in the position where I can accept and rationalize it. This is not to say that it might not be devastating, and have a great impact on me. Somehow my body is able to recover from the initial impact, and find the tools necessary for full and total recovery. (Of course, there are exceptions.)
In the second scenario, consider that a person encounters numerous, little problems during the day. For instance, these might consist of dropping a glass, running into the corner of the bookshelf, an itch that you can't scratch, dialing a wrong number, and, wee, I think you understanding where I am going with this. We've all come across people in our lives; the ones that just can't seem to do ANYTHING right. In my case, "I have met the enemy, and he is I".
I have become a major klutz; no matter where or when, I'll drop, hit, fall, trip, misspeak, butt-in, misunderstand and "mishear". It is hard to imagine I am the same person who, just 16 years ago, spent a summer living and climbing in Yosemite National Park. I was perfectly comfortable standing on the edge of a 1000' cliff, I was at total peace leading the last part of a 1100' vertical, (10.b, for the climbing afficionado) 10 pitch climb. (I must admit, however, that I NEVER felt comfortable standing on the edge of a cliff while anyone was within 20' of me - myself I trust; the others, not so much.)
Now, I know that a lot of this loss of coordination has to do with age, and that some has to do with the "med cocktail" I am presently on, and some relatively small, part might be due to this damned "bipolar monkey" I can't seem to get off my back. Whatever the reason, it is here, so I might as well stock up on bananas and prepare, from time to time, to unexpectedly have crap flung at me from across the room.
And that's the way it is out here (today, WAY out here) in BiPo Land. Ciao.
In the first scenario, no matter how serious the problem, if this is the only situation I will encounter during a given day, I can probably cope with it pretty well. It will hit me one time, all at once, and my natural forces are able to put me in the position where I can accept and rationalize it. This is not to say that it might not be devastating, and have a great impact on me. Somehow my body is able to recover from the initial impact, and find the tools necessary for full and total recovery. (Of course, there are exceptions.)
In the second scenario, consider that a person encounters numerous, little problems during the day. For instance, these might consist of dropping a glass, running into the corner of the bookshelf, an itch that you can't scratch, dialing a wrong number, and, wee, I think you understanding where I am going with this. We've all come across people in our lives; the ones that just can't seem to do ANYTHING right. In my case, "I have met the enemy, and he is I".
I have become a major klutz; no matter where or when, I'll drop, hit, fall, trip, misspeak, butt-in, misunderstand and "mishear". It is hard to imagine I am the same person who, just 16 years ago, spent a summer living and climbing in Yosemite National Park. I was perfectly comfortable standing on the edge of a 1000' cliff, I was at total peace leading the last part of a 1100' vertical, (10.b, for the climbing afficionado) 10 pitch climb. (I must admit, however, that I NEVER felt comfortable standing on the edge of a cliff while anyone was within 20' of me - myself I trust; the others, not so much.)
Now, I know that a lot of this loss of coordination has to do with age, and that some has to do with the "med cocktail" I am presently on, and some relatively small, part might be due to this damned "bipolar monkey" I can't seem to get off my back. Whatever the reason, it is here, so I might as well stock up on bananas and prepare, from time to time, to unexpectedly have crap flung at me from across the room.
And that's the way it is out here (today, WAY out here) in BiPo Land. Ciao.
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