So here I sit, writing about how sad I am sitting here. Amazing that the thing I am complaining about is the exact same thing that allows me to complain. And the wheel goes round and round and ...

My wife had to work all day, so I cleaned around the house some, and then came on into church. I have been here since 2:00, mostly brooding about being here. I want to spend Christmas Eve with my wife ... in our home ... doing the things we like to do. But I'm here, and she's there, 32 miles away.

If you have been following my blog, then you are aware that I have had a great deal of trouble with a small number or parishioners. Today I discover that one member of the church whom I just knew was supportive IS NOT. They've been talking behind my back about getting rid of me, and it makes me sick to my stomach. What is it about being up front and honest that eludes these people?

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." (Matthew 18:15-18 RSV)

As a Christian we must always strive to follow the commands of Jesus. Granted this is one of the most difficult things to do, but we should at least head in that direction. Our job in this world is not to tear down, but build up. I abhor the way people treat each other. What I really HATE is the way people treat each other behind their back.

I am nearing the end of my last thread. I am tired. I am sad. I am sick. I am lost. I am weak. My heart aches. My head spins. My time in the desert is long, lonely and threatening.

Merry Christmas

If you

Just Another Day (or week) in Winston's World

This has been a emotionally-trying week week, being Christmas and all that goes with it. For most people, Christmas brings back memories of family, caroling, eating and exchanging gifts. To me, however, the most I remember about Christmas is getting sick. For my first 16 Christmas' I was sick to my stomach from Christmas Eve through Christmas day. Many times on Christmas morning I would lay on the couch and throw up in a bucket while we opened our gifts. Whee!

You think I would grow out of this "sickening" practice, and I have for the most part. However, I can still feel the stomach roll when I get closer to the day. But stomach ache has been taken over by "head" ache; you know, the bipolar type. Christmas makes me nervous. No, scratch that. All of the hype surrounding Christmas makes me nervous. There are expectations to attend, expectations to host, expectations to send cards, expectations to buy, expectations to give thanks and expectations to be happy and joyful.

Each year I find it harder and harder to meet those expectations. Undoubtedly most others will tell you that you don't have to do anything, that they have no expectations of you, but it's not entirely true. Some do say it with full sincerity, while some say it just to be nice. So one means it and one doesn't. How can you tell them apart. You usually can't, so you're right back to having to pleasse them all.

Not to mention the crowds of people. I've never been one for large crowds, or actually for any size crowd at all. People think that is ridiculous, since I am a pastor. However, as a pastor, I am outside the crowd talking to them. I am in control. So maybe it isn't so much the crowds as it is not being in control of my situation. A small crowd (gathering of family or friends) should be alright, right? It is this crowd that I fear most, since this crowd will have the most expectations. For a larger crowd, there are no expectations, save those of decency and respect. In a larger crowd, my main problem is the noise. For some reason, my brain tries to hear and understand every conversation. I can't stand this. So, I don't like crowds.

I am scheduled for surgery this coming Saturday (12/27). I have had Regenerative Disk and Joint Disease for years, and I have to get both my great (big) toe joints fused. (I will do the left foot in a few months) It is outpatient surgery, and it's minimally invasive, but is difficult to heal and, so I've been told, quite painful.

I guess I'll go down like a good, old, used car; engine keeps running even after the fenders and doors fall off, and the transmission fails. My old, diseased brain brain will be chugging along, telling me to do stupid things, trip and fall a lot, mumble when I should speak and speak when I shouldn't.

And the hits just keep on comin'!