Writing Again ... Will It Last?

I have intended for years to write about my experiences as a mentally-ill pastor. I spent years trying to find any information on pastors with mental illness, to no avail. there simply wasn't anything out there. I did come across a book or two about people with mental illness who happened to be pastors, but all they talked about was the church they served, their ministry, with nothing mentioned about how their illness impacted their ministry. This is my intention.


I want to address some areas that haven't been touched before:

1. How a mentally-ill pastor can function effectively in the church
2. How a mentally-ill pastor can connect with other pastors in the same situation
3. Show the "common person's" point of view*

* Most, iof not all, books offering first-person accounts of mental illness are written by wealthy, priveleged people, those with higher educations and fantastic jobs, or those who spend hundreds of thousands of
dollars during their manic exploits. These account for less than .01% of the mentally-ill population. You don't have to qualify at a certain level in order to have your life impacted by your mental illness.

It isn't so much that people need to hear what I have to say; I need to say what I feel people need to hear.

Social Security - Round #1

For some reason, Social Security took only two months to deny my disability claim. Two weeks! I really don't get it.

Basically they say there are some things that I can do; things that don't require too much stooping, bending, crouching, crawling, kneeling or climbing. Although they admit that I can't return to the jobs I used to do, they claim I can do lighter and less demanding work.

The Biggest Problem ...

Pastors around the world have so much in common; sharing the word of God through the life of His son Jesus Christ through His spoken Word. Physically, they have the same concerns; family life, personal health, normal day-to-day problems that face so many. Spiritually, they encounter challenges that other pastors face and, even when never faced before, are dealt with with the same Scripture, the Word of God.

Pastors are called by God to serve God, regardless of their imperfections or idiosyncrasies. They are adequately equiped to do the task at hand, regardless of what they think are their capabilities. They are called to serve in any capacity necessary; hospital visits, funerals, home visits, counseling, sympathy over aches, pains, disease and illness. The are to give, give and give, past the point where they have nothing left to give. And then they are called upon to give again. Is this fair? It really doesn't matter. It's covered by a favorite quote of mine, "It might not be right, but it is."

Now the "sticky wicket". The sympathies pastors show to others is very seldom shown to them. This is especially true when they are experiencing something they can't tell anyone about. I wouldn't expect you to know, since the sharing of this information might cost them their job, their standing in the community and the trust that is so necessary in their job.

In 2007, a UMC conference reported that 65% (over 400) of the pastors were prescribed antidepressants. I was a part of that conference, and I don't know a single one of these pastors (other than myself). To proclaim from the pulpit, "I am mentally ill", would usually be the begining of the reappointment process, at the very least. To tell often opens a chasm that can be too wide to cross.

Pastors need an outlet, a place where they can go and feel comfortable about sharing who they are. Silence is not a viable option, since it compounds the problem. Self-exposure is key to recovery; it is the first essential step.

Next, we'll talk about a novel way of breaking this barrier without becoming vulnerable.

Steppin' Out

Well, I finally did it ... I am out from behind the pulpit. The district, conference and general board now knows, and I (we) are filing for disability through the policy I have at church. My last day worked will be June 30, and my disability should be approved before that date.

Part of the process is having my doctors to fill out the forms provided by the insurance company. My problem is basically two part; physical and mental. My scoliosis and degenerative disc and joint disease makes up the physical aspect. These continue to worsen, and I'm having to use a cane to get around safely and painlessly.

However, my mental illness is my coup de grace. When I first read my psychiatrist's report, it made me step back a little. A few years ago, a report like this would have landed me in an institution. I think that disability approval should come easily. (Famous last words, right?)

So, one thing that I am beginning to think about, with my disability on the horizion, is what will I do with my time. More later.

A New Day Dawns!

It looks like all of my bitchng and moaning about being a bipolar pastor is coming to an end. I have decided to take the advice given by my psychologist, therapist and orthopaedic doctor, and file for disability. I have decided that there is never really a good time to file, which requires being unemployed. However, my health is really beginning to suffer, and if I don't, I will regret it at a later date. This will be done in two separate stages.

1. First I will file with the UMC-sponsored disability insurance company. My doctors will fill out and return the forms I mailed today.

2. I need to schedule an appointment with my DS (District Superintendent), describe to him the situation and have him sign another form, which will be forwarded througout the UMC hierarchy. This will be the most intimidating part of the process, since I am scheduled to start my new appointment on July 01.

3. I have set my last day of work for June 20. So hopefully sometime between now and then I will be approved for disability. (I have discovered that our health insurance will continue while on this disability policy.

4. Once the process begins, I will be able to access 30% of my retirement. This will go a long way in paying off most of the hospital bills and bills difficult to meet lately due to the decreased income.

5. On June 20, I will begin the application process for Social Security Disability. (This can't begin until employment ends.)

So, over the past 14 months our life has changed entirely, with the exception of our faith in God. That has grown exponetially, and am confident it will continue. He has been with every step of the way. For instance, we had no idea how we cold get health insurance until we discovered it was part of the disability policy.

Welcome to the second edition of this website: Coming Out From Behind The Pulpit

God Is Good All Of The Time;
All Of The Time, God Is Good

After nearly one year since Connie's stroke, and nearly one year of working with her through recovery therapy, I am just about emotionally spent. I am happy that my bipo has been held at bay for that amount of tim, but I think that has been stretched just about as far as it can.

I hope I am making myself clear, although I am not so sure. It isn't that I don't want to help, I don't know if I'll be able to. I can startto feel the unravelling process begin. Things have to change, but in time? I don't know.

Here It Comes

Blah blah blah blah blah ... that is exactly how I feel right now. I knew it would happen, I just wasn't sure when. I have never gone this long without it raising it's ugly head once or twice.

Last spring I needed to be home, or nearby, all of the time. At first I needed to do things for Connie, or at least help her. Then there was a time, that continues today, when she doesn't want me too far away at night for too long. When she broke her wrist, I once again needed to help her out again.

However, with all of this said, I know I am going to crash or explode ... it's just a matter of time .................................................................................

Now I am still needed for big things, and she still wants me around; not gone at night, or for long periods of time during the day. For the first time I am able to "let my guard down" a bit. No longer driven by the need to help her as much as before, it seems there is now room for my bipo to appear.

I can feel it waiting at the gates, ready to pounce, or slowly creep, into my life without me having a clue. Fortunately my current med cocktail is one of my best so far, and keeps that nasty bastard at bay.

Another blessing that has come my way is the desire for creativity, and the ability to utilize it. I really enjoy the "eyes" that mania gives me. Through them things seem so much clearer, and I am able to see things differently, from a different angle or perspective, in a way I have never seen before. I am glad that has come back a bit ... but just not too far.

Full-Time to Part-Time Update

The Staff Pastor Parish Committee and our District Superintendent met on Monday, December
07 to finalize the plans of the church to make my position part-time, thus eliminating more than 1/2 of my salary and all benefits. Obviously this was a great concern, considering Connie's stroke and my rapidly declining health. Since Pastor's are not eligible for COBRA, if we lose insurance, we won't be able to get it again. (NOTE: Insurance is only available to fll-time pastors.)

Isn't it amazing how two lives can change entirely within the blink of an eye?

I spoke for about 20 minutes and then left the meeting. From what I heard about the 3 hour meeing, the District Superintendent said the following:

1. I have a one year contract as a full-time pastor, that doesn't end until June 31, 2010. The
church needs to honor that.
2. The Lay Leader, who was the instigator of all of the trouble, was told to step down from that
poaition.
3. I will be appointed to another full-time church (either one church at full-time, or two half-
time churches, which would equal a full-time charge.
4. When I am reappointed, the church will receive a part-time pastor.

I truly thank God for the way this has worked out. Eight years ago He called me into the ministry and, try as they may, they couldn't get me moved. This Spring God released me from this call at this church, so I wa able to trust that He would take care of me, just like He always has and always does.

Well, there is a good possibility that, after Jan. 01, 2010, the "bipolarpastor" will become either the "bipolar-expastor" or the "bipolar part-time pastor". A small group of people from the congregation have pushed for years to have me removed. They were never successful - nothing trumps God's call - and discovered if they made the position art-time, I would have to leave, since I need the benefits of a f-t pastor.

It's obvious this has been in the works for awhile. First, it was decided not to yoke with Wolcottville, which would have saved us $17,000. Now, amazingly, the giving is down, to the point where the money necessary for a f-t pastor isn't there. I'm almost certain these people have gone so far as to ask certain people to leave the church, and be ready to return once I'm gone. I do know they have asked a retired elder how they could get rid of me, and one of the group has been going around to members asking them to stop suporting me.

These folks have been confronted, and they deny that any of it is true. However, anyone with half a wit can see right through this scam. I just pray that the District Superintendent (my boss) can see through this charade. The connectional system that holds up the UMC structure is a political mess, and what's good for the Kingdom isn't always done in lieu of what is good for the "church system". They've lost their way, and I really don't think they even know it.

Our financial wellbeing (yeah, right) depends on how this all plays out. If the job goes to p-t, I lose insurance for the both of us and an income. They will keep me on p-t, at $20,000, and I will take it, but I'll only be going to church once during the week and on Sunday mornings. Also, my visitations will have to be curtailed significantly.

Please pray that Connie and I can be accepting of God's plan for our life together.

"Judgement Day" ... With A Twist

Tomorrow (Monday, November 02) my board (Pastor Parish Relations Committee - PPRC) meets to decide whether or not to invite me back for a 10th year. This group is controlled by a few people that don't want me here. They have tried to have reassigned for the past 4-5 years, with no success. In order for the Bishop to consider moving me, they need to come up with a "ministry-related" reason. After trying diligently to come up with something, they can not. It does give me some satisfaction that, after all of these years, they can't come up with any problems in my ministry serious enough to get rid of me.

Keep in mind that 95% of the congregation wants me here; if not, at least they're not vocal. But this year I have a little surprise for them all. I am going to announce at the start of this meeting that I have asked to be relocated after the end of this year. I cannot work part-time ... let me rephrase that. I can't get by on part-time pay and no insurance. My boss (D.S) says that he can probably find me a full-time appointment, but we might have to relocate somewhere within the state.

Any way, at this upcoming meeting, after I make the announcement, I plan to talk very candidly, but in a Christian manner, about how I know what they have been trying to do to me. For instance, about six months ago, our church had a chance to join together with another area church in sharing a pastor (me). This would have come real close to solving our financial problem, and would have allowed me to stay on full time. However, this was voted down, and the reason was it would be too hard on the pastor. Now they want to go to a part-time pastor, which will be very hard on the pastor they want so to protect.

This is a real scary time for Connie and me. The only thing in our life that is certain is God. Everything else is up in the air. The things uncertain in our lives at this point are: my job, Connie getting her SS disability, paying our bills (especially medical), our house selling and the plan to move to Florida. Please keep us in your prayers. The strength of your prayers will certainly help to keep us going.

Thanks, and God bless!

More later,

wcsSr

Remembering What You've Forgotten

Well, today was an interesting day.I finally decided to fill out that disability form for the insurance company through work. I have been putting it off, but I am worried that, if I wait too long, they will make me part-time, and then I wouldn't be eligible.

When I went to get the form, I couldn't find it. I looked at home, at work and in the car. Now, this doesn't mean it isn't at one of these three places. It simply meaens that I can't find it. Often when i look for something, it disappears until the third or fourth search, at which time it magically appears. I swear this is the case. Do our minds sometimes take what we are looking for, and erase it's appearance from our brain?

So, tonight I will search my car and at home for the form. I know it's somewhere (of course), but where is the big mystery. Tomorrow I'll post what happens. Please pray for happy hunting!

Ciao for now ...

So, How's YOUR Memory??

I have spent my life dealing with people in many different settings; manufacturing, sales, church, etc. Now, I'll admit that I've never had a great memory, but it served me well for a number of years. However, 8-10 years ago, my wife told me that it was getting worse. Since I hadn't noticed any difference, combined with the fact that I thought I was always right (if you believe that, remember that I've been married nearly 20 years) I thought she was just making it up. After all, if you're convinced that your memory is bad, if you are told that you were told something earlier, you simply have no defense.

A Caretaker's Caretaker

Ever since my wife was released from the hospital last April 15th, I have been her sole caretaker. It is interesting how, after they determine they have done all they can, they just send you home. Sure, we had books and copies of instructions, but they don't begin to explain or describe the processes a person goes through when recovering from a massive stroke

2009 - A Year of Survival

This year has started out with a bang. On top of all the challenges of being bipolar, I am beginning to face some physical challenges that were a long time coming. I was diagnosed with "compensatory scoliosis" in 1975. This means that it curves in both directions, and it twists near the center of my spine. It has progressed to 42 degrees of curvature, which is just a few degrees away from needing surgery. The twist in the center causes part of my ribcage to irritate that area next to my spine which , when overstressed, causes symptoms related to shingles.

I was also diagnosed a few years ago with Degenerative Disc Disorder (DDD), Degenerative Joint Disease (DJD) and oseoarthritiss. At the end of 2008, I had Metacarpophalangeal Joint Arthrodesis (the main joint of the large toe on my right foot was fused). Soon I will need to have the same procedure on my left foot. Recovery is slow, and I will never be able to walk normally again. (ie; big toe doesn't bend)

Yesterday I had a very simple, very typical eye exam. Either during the eam, or on the way home, my cornea was scratched. Sounds simple, but hurt like hell! The next the dr. put a contact on my eye (covers the cornea so it doesn't get irritated when I blink). So, just another irritant in the life of Winston Smith.

So, if I live long enough, my joints and discs will continue to deteoriate. Now if i can just get my MI to cooperate, and occur between ailments, I should have a very full slate.

Sorry if this is a bit off topic, but I think it's important to see the whole picture so you'll know where I am coming from.

Ciao,

WCS

Oh yeah ... I might lose my job soon.

I'm not sure what 's been happening; I think my surgery was a little tougher that I imagined. I've already explained how it went, and the problems I had with the meds. My air cast is finally off, but I have a hard time getting my shoe on. The foot is still swollen, and my toes doesn't bend, which makes putting it on quite a bit harder. Hopefully time will make it easier. I have a lot of trouble with my feet, and I only wear Danskos and Birkensocks. Their high arch support and stiff sole mkes them great for me.

But if you are reading this, it's not for the surgery story, and that isn't the reason behind this blog. I'll get back to my own personal hell; MI. Picture yourself climbing down a fire escape ladder; you know, the kind that doesn't go all the way to the ground. Getting the diagnosis of MI is like starting down the ladder. As long as you are holding on, you're still in control. You can occasionally even climb up a little at a time. However, once you feet leave the last rung, you are in trouble. You find yourself in a situation that is very difficult to get out of. Soon you are hanging off the last rung, and then you're only one step away; one step away from falling. At at that point there is n o return. At that point you have lost all control; you're life is out of your hands. That is where I am now.

Most days lately I feeel lost, like I'm trapped inside my head. (If you are MI, you;ll understand) I'm not very productive, and I'm frightened. With the economy the way it is, everyone's job is in jeopardy. I left my main careeer, manufacturing management, nearly 8 years ago, and that amount of time, plus my age, away makes me pretty much unhireable (sp)?

So tha's my story to date ...

So here I sit, writing about how sad I am sitting here. Amazing that the thing I am complaining about is the exact same thing that allows me to complain. And the wheel goes round and round and ...

My wife had to work all day, so I cleaned around the house some, and then came on into church. I have been here since 2:00, mostly brooding about being here. I want to spend Christmas Eve with my wife ... in our home ... doing the things we like to do. But I'm here, and she's there, 32 miles away.

If you have been following my blog, then you are aware that I have had a great deal of trouble with a small number or parishioners. Today I discover that one member of the church whom I just knew was supportive IS NOT. They've been talking behind my back about getting rid of me, and it makes me sick to my stomach. What is it about being up front and honest that eludes these people?

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." (Matthew 18:15-18 RSV)

As a Christian we must always strive to follow the commands of Jesus. Granted this is one of the most difficult things to do, but we should at least head in that direction. Our job in this world is not to tear down, but build up. I abhor the way people treat each other. What I really HATE is the way people treat each other behind their back.

I am nearing the end of my last thread. I am tired. I am sad. I am sick. I am lost. I am weak. My heart aches. My head spins. My time in the desert is long, lonely and threatening.

Merry Christmas

If you

Tonight's the Night

Tonight is the night! This is the night my boss, the District Superintendent, comes to talk to the church. Some of the members have asked her to stop by and make certain she knows that they support me. The reason is because the Pastor Parish Review Committee has recommended that I not be called back next year.

Keep in mind this is a recommendation only, and the final decision is totally up to the DS and the Bishop. I feel I'll be called back here next year for my 9th year, but God only knows.

The problem with this kind of meeting is that for nearly 3 hours I get to hear people talk about me, both good and bad, with me in the room. Believe me, this is a VERY stressful situation, and one I'd never recommend to anyone. I was quiet and expressionless both when they were critical and when they were supportive.

Recently additional stress has brought on bouts of shingles. Due to my scoliosis, I have a twisted rib centered where the Chicken Pox virus lies (or so I have been told), and stress causes this to swell, which in turn irritates the virus. It starts out feeling like my skin is "sore". Then when the Shingles come about, I'm in for weeks of problems.

God, please help me.

My Church Is a Battlefield

My church is a battlefield. In 1968, my mother wrote an article that was published in Redbook magazine entitled "Our Home Is a Battlefield". It described, anecdotally, our home and the goings-on inside. We were very typical, but she was able to compare my relationship with my sister with opposing sides of a battle.

Unfortunately, the battle taking place in my church is real, and shares many characteristics with a real battle; you know, one with fighting, swords, knives and the such. However, the majority of this conflict takes place behind the scenes, as in a war room. In our congregations preparation for war, there is no chain-of-command, and the enlisted soldiers are running the show. At least they think they are.

People in a church environment are some of the most mean, deceitful people I have ever met. The devil works the most where he is not wanted, and he certainly does his bidding there. I pray I can stand my ground, and weather this storm.

This is not a great environment for a bipolar person. As an ultradian cycler, it is very difficult to stay steady when my moods can change many times each day. And, as my fellow rapid-cyclers know, we aren't always on a regular schedule. Sometimes it takes all of my strength to get through the day. I try to "time" by episodes with my activities, but that is an impossible venture.

More later ...

Winston

Oh My Gosh .....

My church board, for the first time in eight years, has asked not to have me back next year. This basically means that I am a "free agent". The Bishop can decide to keep me here, move me to another church, or let me go. Letting me go isn't usually an option, so I'll either stay or go.

One problem I was told I have, and one that I DO have, is a temper. I do suffer from psychotic anger, and I have been able to hold back pretty much, but I still get mad. Oh me, oh my, the whole world is after me. Maybe that is not the case.

Maybe I am stubborn, and mean, and temperamental, and egotistical. I don't think it is really possible, but maybe I AM wrong all of the time. Maybe I am incompetent, and am covering by tap dancing around the issues. After all, that has been my history. I have discovered that I can do just about any job for 2-3 years. The first 1 to 1 1/2 years are the grace period of almost any job. Then I have had to move pretty quickly, and either get transferred to another position or department. This has been my history, and I have used this template, at first unconsciously, and now on purpose.

Right now I have about ZERO self esteem, and self destruction seems, for one of the first times, a viable option. God help me!

"... Flirtin' With Disaster"

"I'm travelin' down the road, and I'm flirtin' with disaster" - thank you, Molly Hatchet!

This is what I've been doing the past few weeks in my car. Lately I've had to take some trips of 200+ miles and would become bored. I found myself pretty wound up after spending an hour listening to Aerosmith, ZZ Top, Traveling Wilburry's, Eric Clapton, Molly and more. While on a four-lane, easy access road, a car passed me doing over 90 mph. Granted, I was doing 70, since the speed limit was 60 but, as if in a trance, I could feel myself pulling out, catching the car and tucking in behind it for the next 50 miles.

I did stay back a couple hundred feet or so, my theory being that a cop would catch the guy ahead of me in his radar first, and I'd be off, Scot-free. Now this isn't the first time I had done this. Actually, it really isn't all that uncommon. I once drove the 120 miles from Billings, MY to Sheridan, WY in under an hour. Granted, it was 2:00 a.m., the highway was as straight as an arrow and I was driving my cousins new Datsun. The speedometer was "broken", so I just settled into 5th gear, 5500 rpm, and away I went.

Back then Montana didn't enforce the Federal speed limit, and speeding, no matter what the speed, earned the driver a $25 fine for "wasting a natural resource". The danger then was not getting caught; it was losing control. As a side note, when driving that fast, when you see taillights ahead of you, you better get into the passing lane quickly ... they come upon you pretty quickly!

Yesterday, while driving to a meeting in the afternoon, I tried to pass a car that wouldn't let me pass. I bet you know what I'm talking about ... a real prick behind the wheel. We sped up, side by side, until we reached 110 mph. I signaled and prepared to turn left, while he had to quickly slow down due to a slower car in front of him. I looked at him and, with our windows rolled down, laughed hysterically. During this great big show of manhood, I had not a care in the world about what happened. Mania raised her ugly head, and her name was ... Mario Andretti"!

On my headstone they could have carved: "So Who's the Fast One Now, Eh?"